I miss my Poppy. I miss him so much it physically hurts. I miss his laugh, his smile, and his hugs. I miss his stories. I would give everything I have to touch his hand and tell him I love him. He was the best man I have ever known and probably will ever know. Good to the core. Completely devoted to his family. LOVED babies. Although he had 15 grandchildren, he had time for every single one and made them all feel special.
I couldn't have asked for a better grandfather. Not in a million years. I just wish I had told him that. I just pray he knew how much I love him and will always love him.
Tuesday, November 17, 2009
Wednesday, November 4, 2009
Growing up is hard to do...or so they say
I feel like I am entering a period of personal growth. It is hard to explain, but this bout of flu really made have to grow up a little bit. There was no one to take care of me this past weekend. No one. My dad had to go to Charleston because my grandfather is in the hospital. My mother and grandmother are in Charleston. All of my friends had to stay away for fear of contracting the virus. Ryan can't get sick or he can't work, Melynda had no car and had to give a recital this weekend, and Kris also had to give a recital and he just isn't a nurturing type in general. Stacy was able to run an errand for me, but still, she didn't want to get sick either. I really had to grow up and take care of myself.
Suddenly I am inspired to take care of myself in other areas of my life. In the past two days, I started keeping track of my expenses in an Excel workbook so that I always know exactly how much I have in my account and how I need to budget. Today I cooked/ate every meal at home. No more fast-food. It's expensive and even worse, unhealthy. I even made my bed this morning. I did all of my homework before midnight. I ran the dishwasher before I got in bed. I did things that I should have been doing all along. I think I am finally learning some discipline, which is good. If you asked my mother, she would tell you discipline is in short stock on my shelf.
Tomorrow: laundry, cleaning the kitchen, and straightening up my room!
Suddenly I am inspired to take care of myself in other areas of my life. In the past two days, I started keeping track of my expenses in an Excel workbook so that I always know exactly how much I have in my account and how I need to budget. Today I cooked/ate every meal at home. No more fast-food. It's expensive and even worse, unhealthy. I even made my bed this morning. I did all of my homework before midnight. I ran the dishwasher before I got in bed. I did things that I should have been doing all along. I think I am finally learning some discipline, which is good. If you asked my mother, she would tell you discipline is in short stock on my shelf.
Tomorrow: laundry, cleaning the kitchen, and straightening up my room!
Monday, October 26, 2009
Friday, October 23, 2009
I wrote this last night before Blogger crashed. Thank goodness I saved it before I tried to post it.
I got so sleepy a couple hours ago but had to force myself to stay awake so I could finish my laundry. I have since abandoned the laundry in the dryer downstairs until morning, but here I lie awake in the dark, unable to shut my brain down for the night. I should have just gone to sleep when I felt the need because now I have passed the threshold into insomnia. I have had so much on my mind lately that I have been finding it difficult to flip the switch and shut down.
I feel like life moves so quickly. Somehow, our society has adopted this mindset that we have to rush through our youth and work ourselves to death so that we can enjoy a retirement that most likely is never realized. From the moment they place that illusive college diploma in your hand, they expect you to know exactly who you are and what you plan to make of yourself. I feel intense pressure to go to grad school, speed through the next two or three years by burying myself in study, finish as quickly as possible, and then move on to the next strenuous and difficult phase of my life. I have been in school for 17 consecutive years now. By time I am able to earn a living and support myself, I will have toiled for 20 years under the weight of papers, assignments, deadlines, expectations, and the knowledge I should know.
I would really like to slow down. I feel like my parents are making me plow through the next few years. Finish at WVU, speed through grad school, and for what? So I can work for the next 45-50 years? Where do I draw the line? When do I say, "For once I am not going to care about the figure on my bank account, how many possessions I own, or how many degrees I have. Right now I am going to do what I need to do to enjoy my life."? Am I not afforded the luxury of saying that? Is this whole system some subtle rite of passage where failure to stay in between the lines means you have no chance at all of making it in this world?
I don't know what I want to do or who I will become. Sometimes I think it doesn't matter. Sometimes I get the overwhelming sense that there won't be a need for me to make that decision, but that's not something I can explain to anyone. So, for now, I trudge on. I wake up in the morning and continue to hate Tuesday-Thursday. The only reason I don't hate Monday and Friday is because I only have choir/Same Diff, and those ensembles are the only things I look forward to right now. For a brief hour and a half, I get to be who I truly am and make wonderful music.
At the end of the day, what will I have to show for myself? A degree for which I sold my soul and with which I can do nothing? Then can I take that step out of my comfort zone of hating this phase of my life and attempt to start a new one? Can I leave the people I have come to love so much? In a perfect world, I would graduate in August and still be here to just enjoy time with people. Still, time goes on and people move on.
Sometimes I wonder how professors manage it. What do they make of the many students that walk in and out of their lives? Do they just pay us lip service, feed us our daily regimen of pedagogy and theory, and then wait for the next batch to come along no different than the one before it? Do they ever wish they could slow time as well and just enjoy the company of a few choice students? Get to see us as more than a midterm that has to be graded? When we walk across that stage and out of their lives, do they feel like a piece of them goes with us? Do they feel our absences the next fall when they look where we always stood, where we always sat and where we are no more? Or are we all just a blur?
I just want to slow down and observe this world rather than blow right through it. This afternoon I remained in the car for a moment to hear the rest of a song before I went inside my apartment. Just then, I noticed how beautiful the leaves were. The sun was shining through their fiery orange, red, and yellow blazes on a perfect periwinkle sky, and I realized that this must be only a prelude to the beauty in God's kingdom. I was brought to tears. I could have stayed in that moment for an eternity.
Precious Lord, take my hand.
Bring me home through the night,
through the dark, through storm,
to Thy light.
I have been to the mount.
I have seen the Promised Land.
Precious Lord, take my hand.
I feel like life moves so quickly. Somehow, our society has adopted this mindset that we have to rush through our youth and work ourselves to death so that we can enjoy a retirement that most likely is never realized. From the moment they place that illusive college diploma in your hand, they expect you to know exactly who you are and what you plan to make of yourself. I feel intense pressure to go to grad school, speed through the next two or three years by burying myself in study, finish as quickly as possible, and then move on to the next strenuous and difficult phase of my life. I have been in school for 17 consecutive years now. By time I am able to earn a living and support myself, I will have toiled for 20 years under the weight of papers, assignments, deadlines, expectations, and the knowledge I should know.
I would really like to slow down. I feel like my parents are making me plow through the next few years. Finish at WVU, speed through grad school, and for what? So I can work for the next 45-50 years? Where do I draw the line? When do I say, "For once I am not going to care about the figure on my bank account, how many possessions I own, or how many degrees I have. Right now I am going to do what I need to do to enjoy my life."? Am I not afforded the luxury of saying that? Is this whole system some subtle rite of passage where failure to stay in between the lines means you have no chance at all of making it in this world?
I don't know what I want to do or who I will become. Sometimes I think it doesn't matter. Sometimes I get the overwhelming sense that there won't be a need for me to make that decision, but that's not something I can explain to anyone. So, for now, I trudge on. I wake up in the morning and continue to hate Tuesday-Thursday. The only reason I don't hate Monday and Friday is because I only have choir/Same Diff, and those ensembles are the only things I look forward to right now. For a brief hour and a half, I get to be who I truly am and make wonderful music.
At the end of the day, what will I have to show for myself? A degree for which I sold my soul and with which I can do nothing? Then can I take that step out of my comfort zone of hating this phase of my life and attempt to start a new one? Can I leave the people I have come to love so much? In a perfect world, I would graduate in August and still be here to just enjoy time with people. Still, time goes on and people move on.
Sometimes I wonder how professors manage it. What do they make of the many students that walk in and out of their lives? Do they just pay us lip service, feed us our daily regimen of pedagogy and theory, and then wait for the next batch to come along no different than the one before it? Do they ever wish they could slow time as well and just enjoy the company of a few choice students? Get to see us as more than a midterm that has to be graded? When we walk across that stage and out of their lives, do they feel like a piece of them goes with us? Do they feel our absences the next fall when they look where we always stood, where we always sat and where we are no more? Or are we all just a blur?
I just want to slow down and observe this world rather than blow right through it. This afternoon I remained in the car for a moment to hear the rest of a song before I went inside my apartment. Just then, I noticed how beautiful the leaves were. The sun was shining through their fiery orange, red, and yellow blazes on a perfect periwinkle sky, and I realized that this must be only a prelude to the beauty in God's kingdom. I was brought to tears. I could have stayed in that moment for an eternity.
Precious Lord, take my hand.
Bring me home through the night,
through the dark, through storm,
to Thy light.
I have been to the mount.
I have seen the Promised Land.
Precious Lord, take my hand.
Monday, October 12, 2009
Psalm 139
Psalm 139
For the director of music. Of David. A psalm.
For the director of music. Of David. A psalm.
1 O LORD, you have searched me
and you know me.
2 You know when I sit and when I rise;
you perceive my thoughts from afar.
3 You discern my going out and my lying down;
you are familiar with all my ways.
4 Before a word is on my tongue
you know it completely, O LORD.
5 You hem me in—behind and before;
you have laid your hand upon me.
6 Such knowledge is too wonderful for me,
too lofty for me to attain.
7 Where can I go from your Spirit?
Where can I flee from your presence?
8 If I go up to the heavens, you are there;
if I make my bed in the depths,
you are there.
9 If I rise on the wings of the dawn,
if I settle on the far side of the sea,
10 even there your hand will guide me,
your right hand will hold me fast.
11 If I say, "Surely the darkness will hide me
and the light become night around me,"
12 even the darkness will not be dark to you;
the night will shine like the day,
for darkness is as light to you.
13 For you created my inmost being;
you knit me together in my mother's womb.
14 I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
your works are wonderful,
I know that full well.
15 My frame was not hidden from you
when I was made in the secret place.
When I was woven together in the depths of the earth,
16 your eyes saw my unformed body.
All the days ordained for me
were written in your book
before one of them came to be.
17 How precious to me are your thoughts, O God!
How vast is the sum of them!
18 Were I to count them,
they would outnumber the grains of sand.
When I awake,
I am still with you.
19 If only you would slay the wicked, O God!
Away from me, you bloodthirsty men!
20 They speak of you with evil intent;
your adversaries misuse your name.
21 Do I not hate those who hate you, O LORD,
and abhor those who rise up against you?
22 I have nothing but hatred for them;
I count them my enemies.
23 Search me, O God, and know my heart;
test me and know my anxious thoughts.
24 See if there is any offensive way in me,
and lead me in the way everlasting.
Father, thank you for sending your Son to die on the cross for me. Thank you for granting me eternal salvation because surely without it I would be lost. I would wander through the realm of the dead, separated from you by my sin. I always fail to be a righteous woman. I am never without sin. I say things I regret, and sometimes my actions speak even louder than my words. Please forgive me for these transgressions.
Father please be in my heart and on my mind. I know that You are calling me to be a woman of prayer. Why do I resist? Why do I run? Why do I fail to represent myself as a follower of your truth? Lord I desire to be graceful, tender, strong, and beautiful in your sight. I want others to see the fruits of the Spirit in me. Why do I allow temptation to take hold and keep me from being the woman you call me to be? Break me, Father. Break my heart for you. Christ has conquered death. I can do all things through Him who strengthens me. Help me to serve my friends rather than pass judgment or dismiss them. Give me compassion where I fail to have any. Give me a quiet humility. Transform me. Mold me. Use me.
Lord I wish to seek you and let my life be a living prayer to you. I want people to see the glow of your love in my life. I don't think I am there right now. I fear my lifestyle casts a veil over my heart to my friends. Please break me of all sin, Father. Convict me. Break me. Reform me.
In Your love I find release
a haven from my unbelief
Take my life and let me be
a living prayer, my God, to thee
Father please be in my heart and on my mind. I know that You are calling me to be a woman of prayer. Why do I resist? Why do I run? Why do I fail to represent myself as a follower of your truth? Lord I desire to be graceful, tender, strong, and beautiful in your sight. I want others to see the fruits of the Spirit in me. Why do I allow temptation to take hold and keep me from being the woman you call me to be? Break me, Father. Break my heart for you. Christ has conquered death. I can do all things through Him who strengthens me. Help me to serve my friends rather than pass judgment or dismiss them. Give me compassion where I fail to have any. Give me a quiet humility. Transform me. Mold me. Use me.
Lord I wish to seek you and let my life be a living prayer to you. I want people to see the glow of your love in my life. I don't think I am there right now. I fear my lifestyle casts a veil over my heart to my friends. Please break me of all sin, Father. Convict me. Break me. Reform me.
In Your love I find release
a haven from my unbelief
Take my life and let me be
a living prayer, my God, to thee
Thursday, October 8, 2009
Good days
Life is pretty good right now.
(How long has it been since I said that?)
Sunday was the best day I have had in a long time. The day started with a prayer service at Wesley. It is so great to just sit and pray for an hour. I should do that every day. I have had lots of friends in my heart lately and it was great to just tell him about it. Then the choir sang for the service, which was fun. The service was moving and touched some people, which is exactly what I had been praying for a few hours earlier. I got to see a side of Dr. Shannon that I didn't know existed, which was also something I had been praying for. She has really been on my heart lately, so I try to pray for her as much as I can. She, Min Sue, Melynda, and I went out to dinner after church. I love Sunday dinners. That's such a Baptist thing to do. Have to have Sunday supper! After dinner we had SAI, which is usually meh, but it didn't last too long this week. THEN I got to spend much needed Stacy time and got the fabulous surprise of spending much needed KITTY time!! It's been forever since a kitty fell asleep in my arms. It was so nice! The evening ended with a sleepover at Stacy's house, the perfect end to a great day!
Even though Sunday was the best day, the rest of this week has been pretty great. On a whim, I sang the "Beat It" solo in Same Diff yesterday and I think I surprised people, the least of whom being myself. Dr. Shannon dubbed it an "epiphany" haha! I actually asked to be considered for the solo!
I have been in a very good mood, and I really hope it lasts. I feel stronger, emotionally and spiritually. I think I actually know what it means to have joy in Christ. I have a lot of joy right now. I will not allow this world to rob my joy. Nor will Counterpoint with its ceaseless homework steal me of my joy. I have lots of joy and I just want to share it!
"I waited patiently for the Lord; he turned to me and heard my cry. He lifted me out of the slimy pit, out of the mud and mire; he set my feet on a rock and gave me a firm place to stand." Psalm 40:1-2 NIV
(How long has it been since I said that?)
Sunday was the best day I have had in a long time. The day started with a prayer service at Wesley. It is so great to just sit and pray for an hour. I should do that every day. I have had lots of friends in my heart lately and it was great to just tell him about it. Then the choir sang for the service, which was fun. The service was moving and touched some people, which is exactly what I had been praying for a few hours earlier. I got to see a side of Dr. Shannon that I didn't know existed, which was also something I had been praying for. She has really been on my heart lately, so I try to pray for her as much as I can. She, Min Sue, Melynda, and I went out to dinner after church. I love Sunday dinners. That's such a Baptist thing to do. Have to have Sunday supper! After dinner we had SAI, which is usually meh, but it didn't last too long this week. THEN I got to spend much needed Stacy time and got the fabulous surprise of spending much needed KITTY time!! It's been forever since a kitty fell asleep in my arms. It was so nice! The evening ended with a sleepover at Stacy's house, the perfect end to a great day!
Even though Sunday was the best day, the rest of this week has been pretty great. On a whim, I sang the "Beat It" solo in Same Diff yesterday and I think I surprised people, the least of whom being myself. Dr. Shannon dubbed it an "epiphany" haha! I actually asked to be considered for the solo!
I have been in a very good mood, and I really hope it lasts. I feel stronger, emotionally and spiritually. I think I actually know what it means to have joy in Christ. I have a lot of joy right now. I will not allow this world to rob my joy. Nor will Counterpoint with its ceaseless homework steal me of my joy. I have lots of joy and I just want to share it!
"I waited patiently for the Lord; he turned to me and heard my cry. He lifted me out of the slimy pit, out of the mud and mire; he set my feet on a rock and gave me a firm place to stand." Psalm 40:1-2 NIV
Thursday, October 1, 2009
small update
I am doing everything I can right now to avoid finishing that counterpoint homework. I know it won't take me very long to do it, but I just don't like writing music. Oh well, enough complaining about that.
I am trying so hard to keep my apartment clean this semester. From the beginning of the semester until about two weeks ago, I did a very poor job of keeping it clean. I still have yet to get my bedroom completely clean, but I think that will probably happen this weekend. At least the majority of my laundry is done. I just spent about an hour cleaning the apartment and now it smells really nice :)
I am starting to feel better. The fog is lifting a little bit, which is great. I always feel especially happy when I share Scripture with friends. It truthfully makes me happy. You know, the more time I spend counseling my friends with spiritual advice, the more I feel God leading me that way for a career. Biblical counseling, maybe? Hmm.. we'll see :)
I am trying so hard to keep my apartment clean this semester. From the beginning of the semester until about two weeks ago, I did a very poor job of keeping it clean. I still have yet to get my bedroom completely clean, but I think that will probably happen this weekend. At least the majority of my laundry is done. I just spent about an hour cleaning the apartment and now it smells really nice :)
I am starting to feel better. The fog is lifting a little bit, which is great. I always feel especially happy when I share Scripture with friends. It truthfully makes me happy. You know, the more time I spend counseling my friends with spiritual advice, the more I feel God leading me that way for a career. Biblical counseling, maybe? Hmm.. we'll see :)
Tuesday, September 29, 2009
Random Thoughts #2
Some random thoughts:
1) I don't do anything but practice choir/Same Diff music. I don't listen to any music but choir/Same Diff songs.
2) I haven't even found the pieces Dr. Koehler wants me to learn this semester. Should probably get on that.
3)I am never drinking again. Period. Funny how since I've been trying to follow Christ, I have been drinking more than when I wasn't. Nicht so gut.
4) Even though I am going to see two of my favorite operas this month, I am terrified to see them. I am terrified that I will end up bitter with God because I might fall back in love with opera when I see them.
5)I ate half a pumpkin "soup" today. So much for trying to not gain anymore weight.
6)I love the fall weather. I love when it gets dark/overcast/chilly/windy/rainy outside. It suits my temperment really well. I should probably be careful that it doesn't let me slip into depression.
7) I'm tired of putting on a happy face for everyone. It takes so much energy. I'm tired of pretending to be happy. I want to laugh at things and I just want to be truly happy. I don't want to have to pretend.
8)I feel like I am at a stalemate with my life. I want to move on to Louisville, but I am also terrifed of leaving Morgantown and its familiarity. I am terrified of leaving the familiarity of my favorite professors, classes, and friends. My parents are trying to push me out of Morgantown, and even God is giving me signs that it is time to leave soon. So why do I want to stay so bad?
9) I could care less about any class but choir and Same Diff right now. I think if it weren't for those ensembles keeping me somewhat sane, I would just stay in bed all day every day.
10) I gave some random Asian girl a ride home from the laundromat today. She was this teeny tiny Asian girl (Chinese, I believe) and she was carrying this huge bag of laundry. So I just asked her if she wanted a ride home. I almost hesitated and let her go, but I think God told me to give her a ride home. She ended up living up this huge hill and I am really glad I didn't let her walk home, especially since it was 11:00 p.m. I am usually too shy to extend kindness though. I am glad that God gave me that push. Her name was Jeannie and she was very sweet. I think I will pray for her tonight.
I am procrastinating Counterpoint. Sigh...
1) I don't do anything but practice choir/Same Diff music. I don't listen to any music but choir/Same Diff songs.
2) I haven't even found the pieces Dr. Koehler wants me to learn this semester. Should probably get on that.
3)I am never drinking again. Period. Funny how since I've been trying to follow Christ, I have been drinking more than when I wasn't. Nicht so gut.
4) Even though I am going to see two of my favorite operas this month, I am terrified to see them. I am terrified that I will end up bitter with God because I might fall back in love with opera when I see them.
5)I ate half a pumpkin "soup" today. So much for trying to not gain anymore weight.
6)I love the fall weather. I love when it gets dark/overcast/chilly/windy/rainy outside. It suits my temperment really well. I should probably be careful that it doesn't let me slip into depression.
7) I'm tired of putting on a happy face for everyone. It takes so much energy. I'm tired of pretending to be happy. I want to laugh at things and I just want to be truly happy. I don't want to have to pretend.
8)I feel like I am at a stalemate with my life. I want to move on to Louisville, but I am also terrifed of leaving Morgantown and its familiarity. I am terrified of leaving the familiarity of my favorite professors, classes, and friends. My parents are trying to push me out of Morgantown, and even God is giving me signs that it is time to leave soon. So why do I want to stay so bad?
9) I could care less about any class but choir and Same Diff right now. I think if it weren't for those ensembles keeping me somewhat sane, I would just stay in bed all day every day.
10) I gave some random Asian girl a ride home from the laundromat today. She was this teeny tiny Asian girl (Chinese, I believe) and she was carrying this huge bag of laundry. So I just asked her if she wanted a ride home. I almost hesitated and let her go, but I think God told me to give her a ride home. She ended up living up this huge hill and I am really glad I didn't let her walk home, especially since it was 11:00 p.m. I am usually too shy to extend kindness though. I am glad that God gave me that push. Her name was Jeannie and she was very sweet. I think I will pray for her tonight.
I am procrastinating Counterpoint. Sigh...
Thursday, September 24, 2009
Just some thoughts
**Disclaimer-Serious stream of consciousness ahead. Read only if you're that bored**
I don't know why I have to be such an analytical person to the point that it drives me insane. I am forever analyzing people's faces and responses to things I say or questions I ask. I often go over conversations in my head that happened hours ago to try to determine if I have stepped on someone's toes or to figure out if there was a hidden meaning in that person's word choice. For example, after I walked out of my opera audition, I went straight to Dr. Shannon's office where I proceeded to go full force panic attack/hysteria on her. Thankfully, she went to Falbo for me and gathered my belongings so I wouldn't have to return to the theater in my current state. Later that weekend, I sent her an email just to thank her for her kindness and such. Well, her response to me was "You're welcome, Amanda. You are a special young woman and I know you will get through this." Ok. So anyone else would have thought, Oh that's a nice thing for her to say. But here's what Amanda thought:
Hm. Ok. What does "special" mean? Is it good or bad? What is the connotation of that word? Does she think that I am special in a dear-to-my-heart kind of way, or special in a"special education" kind of way? Does this mean that she thinks I am crazy after breaking down on her? Am I "special" because she thinks I am trying to get attention? Does 'special" imply ambivalence like it does in Italian? Is this endearment or an insult? There are so many things that special could mean and I just don't know which one she means so I am just going to forget she said this.
Literally, I focused on that one word for two days. THAT'S NOT HEALTHY. And that is just one example of something that I do all.the.time. Why do I always assume that someone is trying to smack me? Why do I always think that people think the worst of me? I guess I don't do this over every single person's response; mostly just a few people. It's always the people from whom I seek the most approval. Dr. Shannon is one of them, and there are others. Yet, why do I need that approval? Why am I not satisfied until I know that they think I am smart or that I work hard? Why can't I be satisfied with the fact that I KNOW I work hard and do my part? Why do I need recognition and praise? I am SO bad about that. I always seek praise. If I don't get it, man do I suffer. I always think I am doing everything wrong if I don't hear from them that I am doing them right, which is probably why I couldn't stay in Vocal Performance. I just didn't receive the praise or support that I felt I needed, I guess. Why does my hand have to be held all the time? I sometimes think I am the neediest, suckiest person on the face of this planet. I always need attention, emotional support, and praise. Not good.
I guess the reason I started thinking about this was just from choir today. When she said that no one was singing the phrasing correctly in the part checks, I was crushed. Literally. I truly thought I was doing it and I really just wanted her to hear that I was doing it. Maybe I really wasn't because I was so nervous. Maybe I was more focused on my voice than my phrasing. But damn it I just wanted her to see how focused I am in choir this semester and how much I know my music and that I spend hours listening to it and translating and analyzing the text. Listen to me blow my own horn! How awful! Why am I so damn proud of myself that I need her validation? Sure I don't know everything. I didn't sight-read the madrigal very well today. Sad thing is I shouldn't have been sight-reading it. I should have already practiced it. So see, I am not perfect. I am not the best choir student. I know I'm not. There are plenty of people in there that sight read better than I do and know their music too. But why I do have to hear her say, "Amanda you are doing really well. I am impressed with how much you know this music and can see that you are dedicated to choir"??
Ugh I feel like the world's worst person right now.
I don't know why I have to be such an analytical person to the point that it drives me insane. I am forever analyzing people's faces and responses to things I say or questions I ask. I often go over conversations in my head that happened hours ago to try to determine if I have stepped on someone's toes or to figure out if there was a hidden meaning in that person's word choice. For example, after I walked out of my opera audition, I went straight to Dr. Shannon's office where I proceeded to go full force panic attack/hysteria on her. Thankfully, she went to Falbo for me and gathered my belongings so I wouldn't have to return to the theater in my current state. Later that weekend, I sent her an email just to thank her for her kindness and such. Well, her response to me was "You're welcome, Amanda. You are a special young woman and I know you will get through this." Ok. So anyone else would have thought, Oh that's a nice thing for her to say. But here's what Amanda thought:
Hm. Ok. What does "special" mean? Is it good or bad? What is the connotation of that word? Does she think that I am special in a dear-to-my-heart kind of way, or special in a"special education" kind of way? Does this mean that she thinks I am crazy after breaking down on her? Am I "special" because she thinks I am trying to get attention? Does 'special" imply ambivalence like it does in Italian? Is this endearment or an insult? There are so many things that special could mean and I just don't know which one she means so I am just going to forget she said this.
Literally, I focused on that one word for two days. THAT'S NOT HEALTHY. And that is just one example of something that I do all.the.time. Why do I always assume that someone is trying to smack me? Why do I always think that people think the worst of me? I guess I don't do this over every single person's response; mostly just a few people. It's always the people from whom I seek the most approval. Dr. Shannon is one of them, and there are others. Yet, why do I need that approval? Why am I not satisfied until I know that they think I am smart or that I work hard? Why can't I be satisfied with the fact that I KNOW I work hard and do my part? Why do I need recognition and praise? I am SO bad about that. I always seek praise. If I don't get it, man do I suffer. I always think I am doing everything wrong if I don't hear from them that I am doing them right, which is probably why I couldn't stay in Vocal Performance. I just didn't receive the praise or support that I felt I needed, I guess. Why does my hand have to be held all the time? I sometimes think I am the neediest, suckiest person on the face of this planet. I always need attention, emotional support, and praise. Not good.
I guess the reason I started thinking about this was just from choir today. When she said that no one was singing the phrasing correctly in the part checks, I was crushed. Literally. I truly thought I was doing it and I really just wanted her to hear that I was doing it. Maybe I really wasn't because I was so nervous. Maybe I was more focused on my voice than my phrasing. But damn it I just wanted her to see how focused I am in choir this semester and how much I know my music and that I spend hours listening to it and translating and analyzing the text. Listen to me blow my own horn! How awful! Why am I so damn proud of myself that I need her validation? Sure I don't know everything. I didn't sight-read the madrigal very well today. Sad thing is I shouldn't have been sight-reading it. I should have already practiced it. So see, I am not perfect. I am not the best choir student. I know I'm not. There are plenty of people in there that sight read better than I do and know their music too. But why I do have to hear her say, "Amanda you are doing really well. I am impressed with how much you know this music and can see that you are dedicated to choir"??
Ugh I feel like the world's worst person right now.
Saturday, September 19, 2009
What is happening to me? It is not like me to FAIL tests. Really, it isn't, but this week I failed my Studies in Hebrew Scripture test. Truthfully, I just didn't study. I know I should have, but I just shut down under the pressure of this week. I got a C on my Nutrition test and a C in German. That is so not like me. I didn't even get C's in Wilkinson's class. I have never gotten a C in German before. I have never received anything less than a B. This is new for me, and unfortunately, it is going to cost me a good GPA if I don't get my act together and start studying again.
On a brighter note, GREAT voice lesson this week. We are basically starting from the very beginning and by that I mean we are starting with the production of sound. I am not really singing at all in my lesson. I am learning how to make sound and I love it. It is the detailed study I always wanted to have but couldn't because of deadlines in opera scenes and juries/recitals. I am such an analytical person that I have to know how I make every single sound that I make. Dr. Koehler is wonderful because he recognizes that in me. I feel so free!
On a brighter note, GREAT voice lesson this week. We are basically starting from the very beginning and by that I mean we are starting with the production of sound. I am not really singing at all in my lesson. I am learning how to make sound and I love it. It is the detailed study I always wanted to have but couldn't because of deadlines in opera scenes and juries/recitals. I am such an analytical person that I have to know how I make every single sound that I make. Dr. Koehler is wonderful because he recognizes that in me. I feel so free!
Thursday, September 17, 2009
Struggles
Unfortunately, at this moment in my life, I am struggling to make it through every day. I am constantly looking for the next attack. Where will Satan linger next? God must have a big plan for me if Satan wants to bring me down this bad. He has attacked me in every place of my life. My career, my family, my friends, and my teachers. I have even been physically attacked. Every day is an absolute trial. I don't want to do my homework. I don't want to attend class. I don't want to practice.
The only good part of my day is when I do my devotionals and study God's word. The only, absolute only joy I have is when I remember that Christ died for my sins. It is amazing how God has been guiding me through my readings. For example, (and I know this is going to sound awful, but I am nothing but consistently honest about myself) the other day I was reading in John and every time I read something like "If anyone is thirsty, let him come to me and drink" (John 7:37) or anytime Jesus made a reference to himself as the Christ, I thought, " How do we know that this isn't just some man who thought a lot of himself, just like some of the cult leaders we have seen here in the 20th/21st centuries?" Well, I turned the page and what did I see? The heading "The Claims of Jesus About Himself". Here's what Christ says:
"The Jews answered him, 'Aren't we right in saying that you are a Samaritan and demon-possessed?' 'I am not possessed by a demon,' said Jesus,'but I honor my Father and you dishonor me. I am not seeking glory for myself; but there is one who seeks it, and he is the judge. I tell you the truth, if anyone keeps my word, he will never see death.' "
John 8:48-51
God answered my question right there in those passages! He guided me directly to that Scripture so that I would know that Christ was not in fact coming in glory for himself but for the One who sent him. AWESOME! He has even directed me to Scripture lately that friends have needed to hear. How awesome is He!
I am facing so many hard questions and so many hard conversations right now, but I will gladly bear them if they bring the opportunity to share my faith in Christ to the rest of the world. I want to spread the love, joy, and peace that is Christ Jesus to all of my friends. God has laid so many of them on my heart right now that I literally want to cry just thinking about it. I just want them to know how much I love them and that I want them to know how much Christ transforms their lives if they will only allow him to. Will we continue to suffer? Of course. This world is difficult to endure, Christian or not. So wouldn't you rather have someone to guide you through it and promise that everything will be ok? It really will. In Christ, everything will be ok.
The only good part of my day is when I do my devotionals and study God's word. The only, absolute only joy I have is when I remember that Christ died for my sins. It is amazing how God has been guiding me through my readings. For example, (and I know this is going to sound awful, but I am nothing but consistently honest about myself) the other day I was reading in John and every time I read something like "If anyone is thirsty, let him come to me and drink" (John 7:37) or anytime Jesus made a reference to himself as the Christ, I thought, " How do we know that this isn't just some man who thought a lot of himself, just like some of the cult leaders we have seen here in the 20th/21st centuries?" Well, I turned the page and what did I see? The heading "The Claims of Jesus About Himself". Here's what Christ says:
"The Jews answered him, 'Aren't we right in saying that you are a Samaritan and demon-possessed?' 'I am not possessed by a demon,' said Jesus,'but I honor my Father and you dishonor me. I am not seeking glory for myself; but there is one who seeks it, and he is the judge. I tell you the truth, if anyone keeps my word, he will never see death.' "
John 8:48-51
God answered my question right there in those passages! He guided me directly to that Scripture so that I would know that Christ was not in fact coming in glory for himself but for the One who sent him. AWESOME! He has even directed me to Scripture lately that friends have needed to hear. How awesome is He!
I am facing so many hard questions and so many hard conversations right now, but I will gladly bear them if they bring the opportunity to share my faith in Christ to the rest of the world. I want to spread the love, joy, and peace that is Christ Jesus to all of my friends. God has laid so many of them on my heart right now that I literally want to cry just thinking about it. I just want them to know how much I love them and that I want them to know how much Christ transforms their lives if they will only allow him to. Will we continue to suffer? Of course. This world is difficult to endure, Christian or not. So wouldn't you rather have someone to guide you through it and promise that everything will be ok? It really will. In Christ, everything will be ok.
Monday, September 7, 2009
You know, in the wake of all of this major change and what-not, I am really beginning to doubt how much talent as a musician I have anyway. Here's just a few reasons why I should never be a professional musician/opera singer:
1. I am terrible at aural theory.
I was really fortunate that I am a hard worker or I would have failed aural theory. I can't dictate worth a darn. I truly cannot hear intervals or rhythms. I couldn't tell you how many parts are playing/singing or what chord this is. I can't sing you a minor triad or scale. It's embarassing, but true.
2. I can't learn music by rote.
My aural memory is so terrible. I have to see the music to learn it. That's why I don't karaoke. I can never remember how the songs go.
3. I only listen to one singer.
This is more of a reason why I shouldn't be a professional singer. I love opera, but I really only love it when Renee Fleming sings it. I never venture to see or hear other productions or operas unless she is singing. How can one be a professional singer if she doesn't care about the art past a particular artist?
Now, some of you make think I am just being hard on myself, but really, I am just being honest. I try very hard to have the facade that I am a strong musician, but I really don't think I am. I am just trying to face the music (ha).
1. I am terrible at aural theory.
I was really fortunate that I am a hard worker or I would have failed aural theory. I can't dictate worth a darn. I truly cannot hear intervals or rhythms. I couldn't tell you how many parts are playing/singing or what chord this is. I can't sing you a minor triad or scale. It's embarassing, but true.
2. I can't learn music by rote.
My aural memory is so terrible. I have to see the music to learn it. That's why I don't karaoke. I can never remember how the songs go.
3. I only listen to one singer.
This is more of a reason why I shouldn't be a professional singer. I love opera, but I really only love it when Renee Fleming sings it. I never venture to see or hear other productions or operas unless she is singing. How can one be a professional singer if she doesn't care about the art past a particular artist?
Now, some of you make think I am just being hard on myself, but really, I am just being honest. I try very hard to have the facade that I am a strong musician, but I really don't think I am. I am just trying to face the music (ha).
Friday, September 4, 2009
It is not good for (wo)man to be alone.
"The LORD God said, 'It is not good for the man to be alone."
Genesis 2:18
Genesis 2:18
Two are better than one, because they have a good return for their work:
If one falls down,
his friend can help him up.
but the man who falls
and has no one to pick him up!
Also, if two lie down together, they will keep warm.
But how can one keep warm alone?
Though one may be overpowered,
two can defend themselves.
A cord of three strands is no quickly broken."
Ecclesiastes 4: 9-12
Lord, I wish that I could say that my relationship with you is enough to sustain me. I wish that I could say that I would be content all of my days alone if all I have is you, but I would be dishonest. I would be bold-faced lying, and I just can't do that. Fortunately, you have given your word that we are not meant to be alone. I just wonder when you will send him my way. You have broken me down. You have taken my feelings for the one I thought I would love forever. I feel nothing for him. Nothing. My heart is ready to love someone else, the one you have for me. How long must I wait? My heart breaks in desire for someone to share this journey with. You know my heart. You know who I need. Please bring him into my life.
Thursday, September 3, 2009
Life feels better right now, except for this darned pink eye which has now spread to the other eye. Worst.
Despite the illness (which by the way, my anxiety ALWAYS manifests itself as illness), I am actually at peace with the current situation. I am happy to be in German again because ich liebe Deutsch. It's going to take a week to get a feel for learning German again, though, because I haven't had it for a semester. Jumping into class on Tuesday was a challenging yet delightful surprise. Even more challenging, we have a quiz tomorrow and I have no idea what it's on. Oh well, I am sure it will be ok. My new philosophy is to just go with the flow and not worry. Practical Theology for Women points out that Jesus connects worry with having little faith. Remember the apostles and the storm? Enough said.
Interestingly, a minor in Religious Studies is mostly like going to be the product of this switch. Most BA's come out with a minor because of the nature of the degree. You have to take 25 hours of non-major electives so most use those as a chance to take a second focus. It seems as though a minor in Religious Studies will be quite doable and a perfect stepping stone for graduate study at Seminary.
So I have to thank someone and I am going to do it here because want her to read it. I am *so blessed* to have Samantha Bartlow-Lilly in my life (hyphenated for my lack of being able to simply call you Samantha Lilly. weird!). I know that God placed Samantha in my life for the times when He knew I wouldn't be able to see him clearly because through her, I always manage to see Him. He put her in my life to be my spiritual touchstone, my mentor, and one of my best friends. I know she is a gift from Him just through the divine randomness that constitutes our friendship, especially how we met. Since the moment I met her, I have been 100% myself, and I can't say that's entirely true of any other friendship. I generally don't trust people a whole lot, but she has had my complete trust since Day 1. She has endured many of my rants and has seen me through the many "crises" that have been my time at WVU. She has called/texted me almost every day since last Friday just to see that I am doing ok, and she even fasted for me on Tuesday. I truly believe that her calming presence has made a great influence on the peace that I feel about the whole situation right now. Further, I feel like in Samantha God has given me the sister I never had. I just want you to know that I love you so, so much and that you are an absolute blessing in my life. <3
Despite the illness (which by the way, my anxiety ALWAYS manifests itself as illness), I am actually at peace with the current situation. I am happy to be in German again because ich liebe Deutsch. It's going to take a week to get a feel for learning German again, though, because I haven't had it for a semester. Jumping into class on Tuesday was a challenging yet delightful surprise. Even more challenging, we have a quiz tomorrow and I have no idea what it's on. Oh well, I am sure it will be ok. My new philosophy is to just go with the flow and not worry. Practical Theology for Women points out that Jesus connects worry with having little faith. Remember the apostles and the storm? Enough said.
Interestingly, a minor in Religious Studies is mostly like going to be the product of this switch. Most BA's come out with a minor because of the nature of the degree. You have to take 25 hours of non-major electives so most use those as a chance to take a second focus. It seems as though a minor in Religious Studies will be quite doable and a perfect stepping stone for graduate study at Seminary.
So I have to thank someone and I am going to do it here because want her to read it. I am *so blessed* to have Samantha Bartlow-Lilly in my life (hyphenated for my lack of being able to simply call you Samantha Lilly. weird!). I know that God placed Samantha in my life for the times when He knew I wouldn't be able to see him clearly because through her, I always manage to see Him. He put her in my life to be my spiritual touchstone, my mentor, and one of my best friends. I know she is a gift from Him just through the divine randomness that constitutes our friendship, especially how we met. Since the moment I met her, I have been 100% myself, and I can't say that's entirely true of any other friendship. I generally don't trust people a whole lot, but she has had my complete trust since Day 1. She has endured many of my rants and has seen me through the many "crises" that have been my time at WVU. She has called/texted me almost every day since last Friday just to see that I am doing ok, and she even fasted for me on Tuesday. I truly believe that her calming presence has made a great influence on the peace that I feel about the whole situation right now. Further, I feel like in Samantha God has given me the sister I never had. I just want you to know that I love you so, so much and that you are an absolute blessing in my life. <3
Tuesday, September 1, 2009
Life lessons learned laboriously (ha)
So, just in case anyone was wondering, when you ask God to break you, He will. He will knock your butt to the floor. He will put you in a mess that only He can clean up. I have seen this happen to not only me, but other friends as well. If you don't want God to show you what he is capable of doing in your life, don't ask. Sometimes it's just not fun.
Also. If you think you have your life planned out, you're probably wrong. Even if you think you have completely planned out a life according to what God wants, you could be wrong. I seriously thought I would be starting seminary this time-ish next year. Wrong. This time next year I will still be an undergraduate at WVU. Would I have EVER planned this for myself? Nein (figured I would practice my German *since I still have to take two more semesters of it*).
I keep asking myself the same question, "How do I do this?" If you know me pretty well, you are probably aware that I am way over WVU and have been for the last year. All I wanted to do this year was to get OUT and now I am here FOR MORE TIME. Man does God have a sense of humor. I don't exactly find it funny, though.
Last night I found myself getting angry with God over this whole ordeal, and I really don't want that to be my reaction to it. I know he has to have a plan. I know this. Something will come out of this and it will be good because God has ordained it. Luckily, He guided me to some Scripture to help me see his plan:
"Therefore, since we have been justified through faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom we have gained access by faith into this grace in which we now stand. And we rejoice in the hope of the glory of God. Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; character, hope. And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us."
Romans 5:1-5
Also. If you think you have your life planned out, you're probably wrong. Even if you think you have completely planned out a life according to what God wants, you could be wrong. I seriously thought I would be starting seminary this time-ish next year. Wrong. This time next year I will still be an undergraduate at WVU. Would I have EVER planned this for myself? Nein (figured I would practice my German *since I still have to take two more semesters of it*).
I keep asking myself the same question, "How do I do this?" If you know me pretty well, you are probably aware that I am way over WVU and have been for the last year. All I wanted to do this year was to get OUT and now I am here FOR MORE TIME. Man does God have a sense of humor. I don't exactly find it funny, though.
Last night I found myself getting angry with God over this whole ordeal, and I really don't want that to be my reaction to it. I know he has to have a plan. I know this. Something will come out of this and it will be good because God has ordained it. Luckily, He guided me to some Scripture to help me see his plan:
"Therefore, since we have been justified through faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom we have gained access by faith into this grace in which we now stand. And we rejoice in the hope of the glory of God. Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; character, hope. And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us."
Romans 5:1-5
Sunday, August 30, 2009
Tuesday, August 25, 2009
I'd rather die at just the thought...
I don't know how much more of this my heart can take. God, please give him to me or just take away my desire for him because I seriously can't deal with it anymore. It's gone on for so long now that I fear I will never be able to love anyone else, but I hold severe doubts that it is in Your will for us to become one. I keep praying that You would take away my longing for him, but I don't know if it truly is in earnest. I don't know if I want to relinquish my heart. I love him. I wish You would reveal Your plan to me. Where are You? Are my cries heard or are they in vain? I feel like I am walking alone through a desert on this one.
Wednesday, August 19, 2009
Du bist die Ruh
Earlier this evening, I jokingly posted on my facebook that Jesus could take me home to the sound of Renee Fleming singing "Du bist die Ruh". The more I thought about it, however, the more appropriate it seems. Here is the translation:
You are peace,
The mild peace,
You are longing
And what stills it.
I consecrate to you
Full of pleasure and pain
As a dwelling here
My eyes and heart.
Come live with me,
And close
quietly behind you
the gates.
Drive other pain
Out of this breast
May my heart be full
With your pleasure.
The tabernacle of my eyes
by your radiance
alone is illumined,
O fill it completely!
Now, knowing that Ruckert was a Romantic, I am sure that this was intended for a lover, but to me it seems so much more divine than that. I was taken back by the translation, and now I am even more in love with it.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=euIQSSb1UTc
You are peace,
The mild peace,
You are longing
And what stills it.
I consecrate to you
Full of pleasure and pain
As a dwelling here
My eyes and heart.
Come live with me,
And close
quietly behind you
the gates.
Drive other pain
Out of this breast
May my heart be full
With your pleasure.
The tabernacle of my eyes
by your radiance
alone is illumined,
O fill it completely!
Now, knowing that Ruckert was a Romantic, I am sure that this was intended for a lover, but to me it seems so much more divine than that. I was taken back by the translation, and now I am even more in love with it.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=euIQSSb1UTc
Tuesday, August 11, 2009
Sunday, August 9, 2009
Samaritan's Purse
Oakwood Baptist Church started celebrating Christmas last month. The church looks ready to celebrate America's favorite holiday. The tree sits near the altar, decorated and lit, and presents surround it and even spill into the congregation. Anyone coming to visit the church for the first time would definitely think we are a little wacky because this is not December. It is August. However, this year, OBC is participating in Operation Christmas Child, a charity run by Samaritan's Purse. Members stuff shoeboxes with items such as candy, dolls, toy cars, and coloring books, and the boxes are shipped to children all around the world. For the past 4 weeks, we have been watching videos that promote the shoebox ministry. Many of these videos are both heart-breaking and inspiring. I thought I would share the video we watched this morning. After watching this video, God has really laid it on my heart to partake in this ministry. I would give every cent I have to give a child not only a wonderful Christmas present but the gift of the Gospel as well, just like Lejla Allison. So watch this video. I promise your heart will be touched.
http://link.brightcove.com/services/player/bcpid1534611823?bclid=1137749274&bctid=1737010022
http://link.brightcove.com/services/player/bcpid1534611823?bclid=1137749274&bctid=1737010022
Friday, August 7, 2009
God is good!
Last night I was praying about the situation I wrote about in my last post. I prayed that He would give me peace about it and tell my heart what to do. Every night as I get ready for bed or lie in bed before I fall asleep, I watch whatever preacher is on t.v. so that my last thoughts will be about God. So as I prayed, I said "Father please let what the preacher says tonight speak to my heart about this situation so that it will just be settled." Then Joyce Meyer came on, and do you know what the name of her sermon was? "Do yourself a favor and FORGIVE." The moment she said that, I knew in my heart what I was supposed to do. I wasn't supposed to forgive this woman or anyone else; I was supposed to forgive myself. Joyce spoke about the bitterness, anger, resentment, and sadness we carry when we withhold forgiveness from others. Isn't it just the same if we don't forgive ourselves? So then I got back on my knees and prayed again. I prayed that I would not go to sleep until I had forgiven myself and released everything that I was hanging onto. Let me tell you, when I woke up this morning, I experienced no more pain. For the first time in four years, I did not get a stab of guilt when I thought about it. How amazing!
Last night I was praying about the situation I wrote about in my last post. I prayed that He would give me peace about it and tell my heart what to do. Every night as I get ready for bed or lie in bed before I fall asleep, I watch whatever preacher is on t.v. so that my last thoughts will be about God. So as I prayed, I said "Father please let what the preacher says tonight speak to my heart about this situation so that it will just be settled." Then Joyce Meyer came on, and do you know what the name of her sermon was? "Do yourself a favor and FORGIVE." The moment she said that, I knew in my heart what I was supposed to do. I wasn't supposed to forgive this woman or anyone else; I was supposed to forgive myself. Joyce spoke about the bitterness, anger, resentment, and sadness we carry when we withhold forgiveness from others. Isn't it just the same if we don't forgive ourselves? So then I got back on my knees and prayed again. I prayed that I would not go to sleep until I had forgiven myself and released everything that I was hanging onto. Let me tell you, when I woke up this morning, I experienced no more pain. For the first time in four years, I did not get a stab of guilt when I thought about it. How amazing!
Thursday, August 6, 2009
Forgiveness
About four years ago, I made a mistake that I still regret today. I hurt someone I care about very deeply, and she pushed me away. Since then, I have asked her forgiveness, and she said that she has granted it. I have also prayed to God for His forgiveness, because this mistake was a result of not listening to Him. I still see her at church and she talks to me and jokes with me, even though I still sense a touch of pain on both our parts .
So, when a friend tagged her in a photo on facebook last week, it showed up on my newsfeed. She is apparently new to facebook, and I added her two weeks ago. Well, my request went unanswered. I added her again this week, but once again, she has ignored my request. I know that she has deliberately ignored it because for a while it would say "awaiting friend confirmation" and now it says " add as friend". I think that is a result of ignoring a request.
I know it is just a stupid website, but it speaks volumes to me. It says that she doesn't trust me or want to let me into her life again and it hurts. I know that although we are forgiven we sometimes have to suffer consequences of our sins. I know that things can never be the way that they were between us, but I don't think she is giving me a chance to show her that I am not the same person I was 4 years ago.
I don't know what to do. I don't know whether to talk to her about it or just let it go. I have been praying about it, and I think I feel like I am supposed to say something about it, but I don't know. I don't know yet. All I know is every time I think about it, I get a stab of pain in my chest.
So, when a friend tagged her in a photo on facebook last week, it showed up on my newsfeed. She is apparently new to facebook, and I added her two weeks ago. Well, my request went unanswered. I added her again this week, but once again, she has ignored my request. I know that she has deliberately ignored it because for a while it would say "awaiting friend confirmation" and now it says " add as friend". I think that is a result of ignoring a request.
I know it is just a stupid website, but it speaks volumes to me. It says that she doesn't trust me or want to let me into her life again and it hurts. I know that although we are forgiven we sometimes have to suffer consequences of our sins. I know that things can never be the way that they were between us, but I don't think she is giving me a chance to show her that I am not the same person I was 4 years ago.
I don't know what to do. I don't know whether to talk to her about it or just let it go. I have been praying about it, and I think I feel like I am supposed to say something about it, but I don't know. I don't know yet. All I know is every time I think about it, I get a stab of pain in my chest.
Monday, August 3, 2009
The Power of Prayer -or- No Rain in the Forecast
My young adult Bible study group just finished up the book of James, and it was a great study. I wish we would have gone a little more in depth, but sadly, very few people offered up their interpretations. Will, Jeb, and I did most of the talking, but that's ok. Anyway, something that James said absolutely floored me. Here's what he says:
"The prayer of a righteous man is powerful and effective. Elijah was a man just like us. He prayed earnestly that it would not rain, and it did not rain on the land for three and a half years. Again he prayed, and the heavens gave rain, and the earth produced its crops." (James 5:16-18 NIV)
In these verses, James is referring to 1 Kings 17:1. Ahab has just inherited the kingdom of Israel from his father, Omri. It says that Ahab "did more evil in the eyes of the Lord than any of those before him (1 Kings 16:30). Ahab worshipped and built a temple to Baal, deity over thunder, rain, and dew. Elijah, a man who was introduced in the Bible with no fanfare, challenged him, declaring ""As the Lord, God of Israel, lives, whom I serve, there will be neither dew nor rain in the next few years except at my word. (1 Kings 17:1)" From that moment it did not rain for three and a half years, when the Lord told him to present himself again to Ahab.
Does this punch anyone else in the gut? Does it make you wonder what your prayers could do? Sit back and let that sink in a little bit. Elijah was a man just like us. I think quite often many of us fail to recognize that the people in the Old Testament, and maybe even the New, were just that; they were real people who experienced many of the same emotions and daily trials that we go through. Perhaps his clothes were different and he didn't have a Blackberry to check every five minutes, but Elijah was human. He needed food and water to sustain him. He probably suffered from the occasional cold, and he needed somewhere to relieve himself. Even further, he felt the same emotions that we feel. 3,000 years later, we are the same humans underneath our exteriors. What is amazing about Elijah is that he recognized the true power of the Lord. He knew that God would grant the desires of his earnest prayers. Elijah even raised the dead through his prayers. He prayed earnestly for the life of the son of the Widow of Zarephath, and God brought the boy back to life.
How often do we doubt the power of prayer? Do we believe if we pray for no rain that it will actually cease? Are our prayers any less effective than those of Elijah? Simply, no. All it takes is faith. Faith that God hears our prayers and answers them. Faith that nothing is too large to ask of Him because He is capable of anything. Seek Him in earnest, with no doubt in your hearts, and He will hear your cries.
So, what are your prayers tonight?
"The prayer of a righteous man is powerful and effective. Elijah was a man just like us. He prayed earnestly that it would not rain, and it did not rain on the land for three and a half years. Again he prayed, and the heavens gave rain, and the earth produced its crops." (James 5:16-18 NIV)
In these verses, James is referring to 1 Kings 17:1. Ahab has just inherited the kingdom of Israel from his father, Omri. It says that Ahab "did more evil in the eyes of the Lord than any of those before him (1 Kings 16:30). Ahab worshipped and built a temple to Baal, deity over thunder, rain, and dew. Elijah, a man who was introduced in the Bible with no fanfare, challenged him, declaring ""As the Lord, God of Israel, lives, whom I serve, there will be neither dew nor rain in the next few years except at my word. (1 Kings 17:1)" From that moment it did not rain for three and a half years, when the Lord told him to present himself again to Ahab.
Does this punch anyone else in the gut? Does it make you wonder what your prayers could do? Sit back and let that sink in a little bit. Elijah was a man just like us. I think quite often many of us fail to recognize that the people in the Old Testament, and maybe even the New, were just that; they were real people who experienced many of the same emotions and daily trials that we go through. Perhaps his clothes were different and he didn't have a Blackberry to check every five minutes, but Elijah was human. He needed food and water to sustain him. He probably suffered from the occasional cold, and he needed somewhere to relieve himself. Even further, he felt the same emotions that we feel. 3,000 years later, we are the same humans underneath our exteriors. What is amazing about Elijah is that he recognized the true power of the Lord. He knew that God would grant the desires of his earnest prayers. Elijah even raised the dead through his prayers. He prayed earnestly for the life of the son of the Widow of Zarephath, and God brought the boy back to life.
How often do we doubt the power of prayer? Do we believe if we pray for no rain that it will actually cease? Are our prayers any less effective than those of Elijah? Simply, no. All it takes is faith. Faith that God hears our prayers and answers them. Faith that nothing is too large to ask of Him because He is capable of anything. Seek Him in earnest, with no doubt in your hearts, and He will hear your cries.
So, what are your prayers tonight?
Just some random thoughts from this morning
Random thought #1:
I am really beginning to enjoy singing contemporary praise and worship music. This is a new development for me because I used to HATE it, and it was the majority of what my choir would sing at church. I just don't belt very well, and I feel like some of those songs require it. So hopefully, somewhere along the line, I will encounter the opportunity to learn to belt and use my middle register. I have a pretty warm middle register, but if I focus on my top, I lose it. So we'll see what this year brings.
Random thought #2:
I want to learn to play the guitar well.
Random thought #3:
I need to learn to play the piano well.
Random thought #4:
I should probably be focusing more on voice right now so I can manage to pull off a respectable senior recital and graduate.
Random thought #5:
I am procrastinating cleaning, so I had better go do that.
I am really beginning to enjoy singing contemporary praise and worship music. This is a new development for me because I used to HATE it, and it was the majority of what my choir would sing at church. I just don't belt very well, and I feel like some of those songs require it. So hopefully, somewhere along the line, I will encounter the opportunity to learn to belt and use my middle register. I have a pretty warm middle register, but if I focus on my top, I lose it. So we'll see what this year brings.
Random thought #2:
I want to learn to play the guitar well.
Random thought #3:
I need to learn to play the piano well.
Random thought #4:
I should probably be focusing more on voice right now so I can manage to pull off a respectable senior recital and graduate.
Random thought #5:
I am procrastinating cleaning, so I had better go do that.
Sunday, August 2, 2009
Title Change/ Wickedness
As I was sitting in church this morning, I felt the need to change the title of this blog. Believe me, I am most definitely a hopeless romantic. I love movies where the girl gets the guy in the end, candlelight dinners, and weddings. Romance is very important to me, but there is something that is even more of a priority in my life. The most important thing to me is my journey with Christ. My soul longs and aches to know more about Him and His character. He is my Redeemer, thus this blog is my reflections on my walk with Him.
Lately I have been feeling so unworthy of His love. I feel like I can never bring to Him a clean heart. I have felt Him lay on my heart how much I need to change how I speak and the way I think about people. I am very quick to judge, especially if you cross me. I hate that about myself. I wish that instead of automatically seeing the negative in people I would see Christ in them. My job makes this very hard. I encounter some pretty difficult people in the food industry. There are some people that you just would like to shake and tell them how stupid they are. This is NOT a Christian attitude. I know this, but I am human and this is one of my sins.
I seek to be a graceful woman who is gentle and kind. I want to treat people as Christ would treat them. I want people to see the Christ in me and recognize that it is Him I serve. This is my prayer to God, that I may become more like Him.
Lately I have been feeling so unworthy of His love. I feel like I can never bring to Him a clean heart. I have felt Him lay on my heart how much I need to change how I speak and the way I think about people. I am very quick to judge, especially if you cross me. I hate that about myself. I wish that instead of automatically seeing the negative in people I would see Christ in them. My job makes this very hard. I encounter some pretty difficult people in the food industry. There are some people that you just would like to shake and tell them how stupid they are. This is NOT a Christian attitude. I know this, but I am human and this is one of my sins.
I seek to be a graceful woman who is gentle and kind. I want to treat people as Christ would treat them. I want people to see the Christ in me and recognize that it is Him I serve. This is my prayer to God, that I may become more like Him.
Thursday, July 30, 2009
A Peaceful Evening Laced with Dreams
Tonight was the perfect night for romance. We ran out of the pouring rain into a quaint little cafe downtown. The lights were low with soft soul and jazz playing in the background. The hostess sat us at a cozy little table where the warm glow of candlelight danced on our faces, and the waitress returned with two glasses of red wine. Pinot noir and zinfandel. The entire room looked, smelled, and tasted like Paris. La ville d'amour.
It was beautiful, but it wasn't perfect because tonight isn't romantic. It's dinner with my mom. As much as I enjoyed being with my mother, every once in a while I would take a sip of wine, close my eyes, sway to the music, and dream of being here with him. Him, the man I don't know yet.
It was beautiful, but it wasn't perfect because tonight isn't romantic. It's dinner with my mom. As much as I enjoyed being with my mother, every once in a while I would take a sip of wine, close my eyes, sway to the music, and dream of being here with him. Him, the man I don't know yet.
A guarded heart is rarley a bad thing
Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life.
-Proverbs 4:23 (NIV)
This summer has been a period of tremendous spiritual growth for me. In just these few short months, God has revealed so much of Himself to me. I have become thirsty for His word and seek to learn something new about His character every day. I am beginning to learn things about myself as well. I have come to recognize just how much I need to rely on God's strength and guidance to make it through daily life. Sometimes I fail to listen closely, but I am hoping to learn how to truly hear Him speak to my heart.
One of the things that has become very apparent to me is the need and desire I have for a strong spiritual leader and husband. My history with men has been filled with hurt, heartache, and disappointment. It just never seems to work out the way I have it all planned. However, through intense soul searching, I have come to understand why that is. I have been choosing whom I date rather than letting God show me the one He has for me. I now know that any man I ever choose for myself will never come close to the one God has for me. Further, the closer I get to Him, the more He shows me what kind of man He wants me to have. I know in my heart that I desire someone who loves Christ more than he loves me. I want someone who will pray with me, study Scripture with me, and put Christ first in every aspect of our family. This is so tremendously important to me that my heart aches and yearns just writing about it.
Having said that, I come to the verse at the top of the page. "Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life." This is a verse that I really have to keep in my mind and heart. My previous relationships with men have damaged my faith and my witness in the past. They have left scars on my heart that only Christ can completely heal. True to the name of this blog, I am a hopeless romantic. I wear my heart out on my sleeve, and in desperation, I tend to settle for men who do not meet the aforementioned criteria. Once they leave me broken, I am filled with anger and resentment toward God for the pain I feel. This is the pattern that I am finally breaking. I will not allow any man to come before my God, and I will not settle for anyone less than the man God created to be my soulmate. I will guard my heart from any temptation that lies before me, and I will seek in earnest the kingdom of God.
Oh, and if by chance God has led a special man to read this post, I hope you like cats. Seriously.
Wednesday, July 29, 2009
The Tag Line of Every Woman's Soul
"Am I beautiful?"
The concept of beauty is something that I have been struggling with all summer, if not my whole life. Of course, I am not the first person, and certainly not the first woman, to fail to have an awareness of her own beauty. It's just not something that is a natural intuition for me. Gaining glasses in the fourth grade and then adding two years of braces in the fifth grade started a pattern of awkward feelings about myself that has yet to be broken. Fifteen years later, subtract the braces (and sometimes glasses) and add an excess 40 pounds and you'll find the same little girl who never felt she was as beautiful as her classmates.
I constantly think about how I compare to other women around me. I have one friend specifically who is petite, beautiful, naturally fashionable, and of course, bubbly. Sometimes I struggle to be around her because of how much I envy her natural beauty. I look at her, with her tiny frame that almost anything flatters, and then I look at myself, with my frame that very little flatters. I feel like Jabba the Hutt when I stand next to her. However, despite her gifts, I doubt that she is without her own insecurities. I don't discredit them, but I am sure that they are not the same.
I believe it is a woman's natural longing to be beautiful, to be desirable. Every woman wants to know that she is beautiful. God created this essence in women in the image of Himself. Just like God, we long to be praised. However, I will be presumptuous enough to say that God probably doesn't doubt His beauty. The difference is that we are fallen and susceptible to the lies that the world, Satan, and ourselves tell to us. I have read lots of books this summer to try to redirect how I think about myself, including Captivating and Do You Think I'm Beautiful?, the latter having inspired this post. I would really like to be secure in how I feel about myself, because the way I feel now is keeping me from accepting anyone new into my life. I would like to feel like I am a beautiful woman, no matter how I look. I am a creation of God, therefore I am beautiful, right? The answer to that would be yes, if it were not for everything in my being screaming wrong!
It's really my weight that bothers me. I can deal with the curly, gigantic hair. In fact, I like my hair, which is why I have never straightened it permanently. I could deal with having junk in my trunk, if you will. I could cite Jennifer Lopez as my inspiration, but the overall, extra weight is what really bothers me. So you would say, "Quit whining about the weight and just lose it." Ok, that's what I thought too, but I can't. I have a real problem called an addiction. Some people supplement their emotions with alcohol or drugs, but I use food. Even beyond that, I like to eat. I love food, and I have no will-power. I am undisciplined. So here's where you would say, "You can do all things through Christ. He can help you lose that weight." Agreed. I have tried to rely on Christ's strength, but I can't even stay disciplined enough to pray for His strength daily, let alone avoid ice cream. So I continue to fail.
Where does the cycle end? When do I stop hating myself and see that I am beautiful despite my flaws?
.... Anyone know any good Christian weight-loss counselors?
The concept of beauty is something that I have been struggling with all summer, if not my whole life. Of course, I am not the first person, and certainly not the first woman, to fail to have an awareness of her own beauty. It's just not something that is a natural intuition for me. Gaining glasses in the fourth grade and then adding two years of braces in the fifth grade started a pattern of awkward feelings about myself that has yet to be broken. Fifteen years later, subtract the braces (and sometimes glasses) and add an excess 40 pounds and you'll find the same little girl who never felt she was as beautiful as her classmates.
I constantly think about how I compare to other women around me. I have one friend specifically who is petite, beautiful, naturally fashionable, and of course, bubbly. Sometimes I struggle to be around her because of how much I envy her natural beauty. I look at her, with her tiny frame that almost anything flatters, and then I look at myself, with my frame that very little flatters. I feel like Jabba the Hutt when I stand next to her. However, despite her gifts, I doubt that she is without her own insecurities. I don't discredit them, but I am sure that they are not the same.
I believe it is a woman's natural longing to be beautiful, to be desirable. Every woman wants to know that she is beautiful. God created this essence in women in the image of Himself. Just like God, we long to be praised. However, I will be presumptuous enough to say that God probably doesn't doubt His beauty. The difference is that we are fallen and susceptible to the lies that the world, Satan, and ourselves tell to us. I have read lots of books this summer to try to redirect how I think about myself, including Captivating and Do You Think I'm Beautiful?, the latter having inspired this post. I would really like to be secure in how I feel about myself, because the way I feel now is keeping me from accepting anyone new into my life. I would like to feel like I am a beautiful woman, no matter how I look. I am a creation of God, therefore I am beautiful, right? The answer to that would be yes, if it were not for everything in my being screaming wrong!
It's really my weight that bothers me. I can deal with the curly, gigantic hair. In fact, I like my hair, which is why I have never straightened it permanently. I could deal with having junk in my trunk, if you will. I could cite Jennifer Lopez as my inspiration, but the overall, extra weight is what really bothers me. So you would say, "Quit whining about the weight and just lose it." Ok, that's what I thought too, but I can't. I have a real problem called an addiction. Some people supplement their emotions with alcohol or drugs, but I use food. Even beyond that, I like to eat. I love food, and I have no will-power. I am undisciplined. So here's where you would say, "You can do all things through Christ. He can help you lose that weight." Agreed. I have tried to rely on Christ's strength, but I can't even stay disciplined enough to pray for His strength daily, let alone avoid ice cream. So I continue to fail.
Where does the cycle end? When do I stop hating myself and see that I am beautiful despite my flaws?
.... Anyone know any good Christian weight-loss counselors?
Words from a Wise Aunt...
"Men can sense when a woman is aware of her biological clock."
Hmm.. maybe having a blog titled "Memoirs of a Hopeless Romantic" makes me a dead-ringer for a ticking clock.
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