Tuesday, November 17, 2009


I miss my Poppy. I miss him so much it physically hurts. I miss his laugh, his smile, and his hugs. I miss his stories. I would give everything I have to touch his hand and tell him I love him. He was the best man I have ever known and probably will ever know. Good to the core. Completely devoted to his family. LOVED babies. Although he had 15 grandchildren, he had time for every single one and made them all feel special.

I couldn't have asked for a better grandfather. Not in a million years. I just wish I had told him that. I just pray he knew how much I love him and will always love him.

Wednesday, November 4, 2009

Growing up is hard to do...or so they say

I feel like I am entering a period of personal growth. It is hard to explain, but this bout of flu really made have to grow up a little bit. There was no one to take care of me this past weekend. No one. My dad had to go to Charleston because my grandfather is in the hospital. My mother and grandmother are in Charleston. All of my friends had to stay away for fear of contracting the virus. Ryan can't get sick or he can't work, Melynda had no car and had to give a recital this weekend, and Kris also had to give a recital and he just isn't a nurturing type in general. Stacy was able to run an errand for me, but still, she didn't want to get sick either. I really had to grow up and take care of myself.
Suddenly I am inspired to take care of myself in other areas of my life. In the past two days, I started keeping track of my expenses in an Excel workbook so that I always know exactly how much I have in my account and how I need to budget. Today I cooked/ate every meal at home. No more fast-food. It's expensive and even worse, unhealthy. I even made my bed this morning. I did all of my homework before midnight. I ran the dishwasher before I got in bed. I did things that I should have been doing all along. I think I am finally learning some discipline, which is good. If you asked my mother, she would tell you discipline is in short stock on my shelf.

Tomorrow: laundry, cleaning the kitchen, and straightening up my room!

Monday, October 26, 2009

I would just like to say...

that I hate Counterpoint.

The. End.

Friday, October 23, 2009

I wrote this last night before Blogger crashed. Thank goodness I saved it before I tried to post it.

I got so sleepy a couple hours ago but had to force myself to stay awake so I could finish my laundry. I have since abandoned the laundry in the dryer downstairs until morning, but here I lie awake in the dark, unable to shut my brain down for the night. I should have just gone to sleep when I felt the need because now I have passed the threshold into insomnia. I have had so much on my mind lately that I have been finding it difficult to flip the switch and shut down.

I feel like life moves so quickly. Somehow, our society has adopted this mindset that we have to rush through our youth and work ourselves to death so that we can enjoy a retirement that most likely is never realized. From the moment they place that illusive college diploma in your hand, they expect you to know exactly who you are and what you plan to make of yourself. I feel intense pressure to go to grad school, speed through the next two or three years by burying myself in study, finish as quickly as possible, and then move on to the next strenuous and difficult phase of my life. I have been in school for 17 consecutive years now. By time I am able to earn a living and support myself, I will have toiled for 20 years under the weight of papers, assignments, deadlines, expectations, and the knowledge I should know.

I would really like to slow down. I feel like my parents are making me plow through the next few years. Finish at WVU, speed through grad school, and for what? So I can work for the next 45-50 years? Where do I draw the line? When do I say, "For once I am not going to care about the figure on my bank account, how many possessions I own, or how many degrees I have. Right now I am going to do what I need to do to enjoy my life."? Am I not afforded the luxury of saying that? Is this whole system some subtle rite of passage where failure to stay in between the lines means you have no chance at all of making it in this world?

I don't know what I want to do or who I will become. Sometimes I think it doesn't matter. Sometimes I get the overwhelming sense that there won't be a need for me to make that decision, but that's not something I can explain to anyone. So, for now, I trudge on. I wake up in the morning and continue to hate Tuesday-Thursday. The only reason I don't hate Monday and Friday is because I only have choir/Same Diff, and those ensembles are the only things I look forward to right now. For a brief hour and a half, I get to be who I truly am and make wonderful music.

At the end of the day, what will I have to show for myself? A degree for which I sold my soul and with which I can do nothing? Then can I take that step out of my comfort zone of hating this phase of my life and attempt to start a new one? Can I leave the people I have come to love so much? In a perfect world, I would graduate in August and still be here to just enjoy time with people. Still, time goes on and people move on.

Sometimes I wonder how professors manage it. What do they make of the many students that walk in and out of their lives? Do they just pay us lip service, feed us our daily regimen of pedagogy and theory, and then wait for the next batch to come along no different than the one before it? Do they ever wish they could slow time as well and just enjoy the company of a few choice students? Get to see us as more than a midterm that has to be graded? When we walk across that stage and out of their lives, do they feel like a piece of them goes with us? Do they feel our absences the next fall when they look where we always stood, where we always sat and where we are no more? Or are we all just a blur?

I just want to slow down and observe this world rather than blow right through it. This afternoon I remained in the car for a moment to hear the rest of a song before I went inside my apartment. Just then, I noticed how beautiful the leaves were. The sun was shining through their fiery orange, red, and yellow blazes on a perfect periwinkle sky, and I realized that this must be only a prelude to the beauty in God's kingdom. I was brought to tears. I could have stayed in that moment for an eternity.

Precious Lord, take my hand.
Bring me home through the night,
through the dark, through storm,
to Thy light.
I have been to the mount.
I have seen the Promised Land.
Precious Lord, take my hand.

Monday, October 12, 2009

Psalm 139

Psalm 139
For the director of music. Of David. A psalm.

1 O LORD, you have searched me
and you know me.
2 You know when I sit and when I rise;

you perceive my thoughts from afar.
3 You discern my going out and my lying down;

you are familiar with all my ways.
4 Before a word is on my tongue

you know it completely, O LORD.

5 You hem me in—behind and before;

you have laid your hand upon me.
6 Such knowledge is too wonderful for me,

too lofty for me to attain.

7 Where can I go from your Spirit?
Where can I flee from your presence?
8 If I go up to the heavens, you are there;

if I make my bed in the depths,
you are there.

9 If I rise on the wings of the dawn,
if I settle on the far side of the sea,
10 even there your hand will guide me,

your right hand will hold me fast.

11 If I say, "Surely the darkness will hide me
and the light become night around me,"
12 even the darkness will not be dark to you;

the night will shine like the day,
for darkness is as light to you.

13 For you created my inmost being;
you knit me together in my mother's womb.
14 I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;

your works are wonderful,
I know that full well.
15 My frame was not hidden from you

when I was made in the secret place.
When I was woven together in the depths of the earth,
16 your eyes saw my unformed body.

All the days ordained for me
were written in your book
before one of them came to be.

17 How precious to me are your thoughts, O God!
How vast is the sum of them!
18 Were I to count them,

they would outnumber the grains of sand.
When I awake,
I am still with you.

19 If only you would slay the wicked, O God!
Away from me, you bloodthirsty men!
20 They speak of you with evil intent;
your adversaries misuse your name.
21 Do I not hate those who hate you, O LORD,
and abhor those who rise up against you?
22 I have nothing but hatred for them;
I count them my enemies.

23 Search me, O God, and know my heart;
test me and know my anxious thoughts.
24 See if there is any offensive way in me,

and lead me in the way everlasting.
Father, thank you for sending your Son to die on the cross for me. Thank you for granting me eternal salvation because surely without it I would be lost. I would wander through the realm of the dead, separated from you by my sin. I always fail to be a righteous woman. I am never without sin. I say things I regret, and sometimes my actions speak even louder than my words. Please forgive me for these transgressions.
Father please be in my heart and on my mind. I know that You are calling me to be a woman of prayer. Why do I resist? Why do I run? Why do I fail to represent myself as a follower of your truth? Lord I desire to be graceful, tender, strong, and beautiful in your sight. I want others to see the fruits of the Spirit in me. Why do I allow temptation to take hold and keep me from being the woman you call me to be? Break me, Father. Break my heart for you. Christ has conquered death. I can do all things through Him who strengthens me. Help me to serve my friends rather than pass judgment or dismiss them. Give me compassion where I fail to have any. Give me a quiet humility. Transform me. Mold me. Use me.

Lord I wish to seek you and let my life be a living prayer to you. I want people to see the glow of your love in my life. I don't think I am there right now. I fear my lifestyle casts a veil over my heart to my friends. Please break me of all sin, Father. Convict me. Break me. Reform me.

In Your love I find release
a haven from my unbelief
Take my life and let me be
a living prayer, my God, to thee

Thursday, October 8, 2009

Good days

Life is pretty good right now.

(How long has it been since I said that?)

Sunday was the best day I have had in a long time. The day started with a prayer service at Wesley. It is so great to just sit and pray for an hour. I should do that every day. I have had lots of friends in my heart lately and it was great to just tell him about it. Then the choir sang for the service, which was fun. The service was moving and touched some people, which is exactly what I had been praying for a few hours earlier. I got to see a side of Dr. Shannon that I didn't know existed, which was also something I had been praying for. She has really been on my heart lately, so I try to pray for her as much as I can. She, Min Sue, Melynda, and I went out to dinner after church. I love Sunday dinners. That's such a Baptist thing to do. Have to have Sunday supper! After dinner we had SAI, which is usually meh, but it didn't last too long this week. THEN I got to spend much needed Stacy time and got the fabulous surprise of spending much needed KITTY time!! It's been forever since a kitty fell asleep in my arms. It was so nice! The evening ended with a sleepover at Stacy's house, the perfect end to a great day!

Even though Sunday was the best day, the rest of this week has been pretty great. On a whim, I sang the "Beat It" solo in Same Diff yesterday and I think I surprised people, the least of whom being myself. Dr. Shannon dubbed it an "epiphany" haha! I actually asked to be considered for the solo!

I have been in a very good mood, and I really hope it lasts. I feel stronger, emotionally and spiritually. I think I actually know what it means to have joy in Christ. I have a lot of joy right now. I will not allow this world to rob my joy. Nor will Counterpoint with its ceaseless homework steal me of my joy. I have lots of joy and I just want to share it!

"I waited patiently for the Lord; he turned to me and heard my cry. He lifted me out of the slimy pit, out of the mud and mire; he set my feet on a rock and gave me a firm place to stand." Psalm 40:1-2 NIV