Just some thoughts

**Disclaimer-Serious stream of consciousness ahead. Read only if you're that bored**

I don't know why I have to be such an analytical person to the point that it drives me insane. I am forever analyzing people's faces and responses to things I say or questions I ask. I often go over conversations in my head that happened hours ago to try to determine if I have stepped on someone's toes or to figure out if there was a hidden meaning in that person's word choice. For example, after I walked out of my opera audition, I went straight to Dr. Shannon's office where I proceeded to go full force panic attack/hysteria on her. Thankfully, she went to Falbo for me and gathered my belongings so I wouldn't have to return to the theater in my current state. Later that weekend, I sent her an email just to thank her for her kindness and such. Well, her response to me was "You're welcome, Amanda. You are a special young woman and I know you will get through this." Ok. So anyone else would have thought, Oh that's a nice thing for her to say. But here's what Amanda thought:

Hm. Ok. What does "special" mean? Is it good or bad? What is the connotation of that word? Does she think that I am special in a dear-to-my-heart kind of way, or special in a"special education" kind of way? Does this mean that she thinks I am crazy after breaking down on her? Am I "special" because she thinks I am trying to get attention? Does 'special" imply ambivalence like it does in Italian? Is this endearment or an insult? There are so many things that special could mean and I just don't know which one she means so I am just going to forget she said this.

Literally, I focused on that one word for two days. THAT'S NOT HEALTHY. And that is just one example of something that I do all.the.time. Why do I always assume that someone is trying to smack me? Why do I always think that people think the worst of me? I guess I don't do this over every single person's response; mostly just a few people. It's always the people from whom I seek the most approval. Dr. Shannon is one of them, and there are others. Yet, why do I need that approval? Why am I not satisfied until I know that they think I am smart or that I work hard? Why can't I be satisfied with the fact that I KNOW I work hard and do my part? Why do I need recognition and praise? I am SO bad about that. I always seek praise. If I don't get it, man do I suffer. I always think I am doing everything wrong if I don't hear from them that I am doing them right, which is probably why I couldn't stay in Vocal Performance. I just didn't receive the praise or support that I felt I needed, I guess. Why does my hand have to be held all the time? I sometimes think I am the neediest, suckiest person on the face of this planet. I always need attention, emotional support, and praise. Not good.

I guess the reason I started thinking about this was just from choir today. When she said that no one was singing the phrasing correctly in the part checks, I was crushed. Literally. I truly thought I was doing it and I really just wanted her to hear that I was doing it. Maybe I really wasn't because I was so nervous. Maybe I was more focused on my voice than my phrasing. But damn it I just wanted her to see how focused I am in choir this semester and how much I know my music and that I spend hours listening to it and translating and analyzing the text. Listen to me blow my own horn! How awful! Why am I so damn proud of myself that I need her validation? Sure I don't know everything. I didn't sight-read the madrigal very well today. Sad thing is I shouldn't have been sight-reading it. I should have already practiced it. So see, I am not perfect. I am not the best choir student. I know I'm not. There are plenty of people in there that sight read better than I do and know their music too. But why I do have to hear her say, "Amanda you are doing really well. I am impressed with how much you know this music and can see that you are dedicated to choir"??

Ugh I feel like the world's worst person right now.