I am Eve's daughter.
Her sin is mine,
Her failing my own.
Blindly, I too eat the fruit
and in growing awareness,
fall.

I'd rather die at just the thought...

I don't know how much more of this my heart can take. God, please give him to me or just take away my desire for him because I seriously can't deal with it anymore. It's gone on for so long now that I fear I will never be able to love anyone else, but I hold severe doubts that it is in Your will for us to become one. I keep praying that You would take away my longing for him, but I don't know if it truly is in earnest. I don't know if I want to relinquish my heart. I love him. I wish You would reveal Your plan to me. Where are You? Are my cries heard or are they in vain? I feel like I am walking alone through a desert on this one.

Du bist die Ruh

Earlier this evening, I jokingly posted on my facebook that Jesus could take me home to the sound of Renee Fleming singing "Du bist die Ruh". The more I thought about it, however, the more appropriate it seems. Here is the translation:

You are peace,
The mild peace,
You are longing
And what stills it.

I consecrate to you
Full of pleasure and pain
As a dwelling here
My eyes and heart.

Come live with me,
And close
quietly behind you
the gates.

Drive other pain
Out of this breast
May my heart be full
With your pleasure.

The tabernacle of my eyes
by your radiance
alone is illumined,
O fill it completely!

Now, knowing that Ruckert was a Romantic, I am sure that this was intended for a lover, but to me it seems so much more divine than that. I was taken back by the translation, and now I am even more in love with it.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=euIQSSb1UTc

:(

I feel alone.

I miss my friends.

The end.

Samaritan's Purse

Oakwood Baptist Church started celebrating Christmas last month. The church looks ready to celebrate America's favorite holiday. The tree sits near the altar, decorated and lit, and presents surround it and even spill into the congregation. Anyone coming to visit the church for the first time would definitely think we are a little wacky because this is not December. It is August. However, this year, OBC is participating in Operation Christmas Child, a charity run by Samaritan's Purse. Members stuff shoeboxes with items such as candy, dolls, toy cars, and coloring books, and the boxes are shipped to children all around the world. For the past 4 weeks, we have been watching videos that promote the shoebox ministry. Many of these videos are both heart-breaking and inspiring. I thought I would share the video we watched this morning. After watching this video, God has really laid it on my heart to partake in this ministry. I would give every cent I have to give a child not only a wonderful Christmas present but the gift of the Gospel as well, just like Lejla Allison. So watch this video. I promise your heart will be touched.

http://link.brightcove.com/services/player/bcpid1534611823?bclid=1137749274&bctid=1737010022

God is good!

Last night I was praying about the situation I wrote about in my last post. I prayed that He would give me peace about it and tell my heart what to do. Every night as I get ready for bed or lie in bed before I fall asleep, I watch whatever preacher is on t.v. so that my last thoughts will be about God. So as I prayed, I said "Father please let what the preacher says tonight speak to my heart about this situation so that it will just be settled." Then Joyce Meyer came on, and do you know what the name of her sermon was? "Do yourself a favor and FORGIVE." The moment she said that, I knew in my heart what I was supposed to do. I wasn't supposed to forgive this woman or anyone else; I was supposed to forgive myself. Joyce spoke about the bitterness, anger, resentment, and sadness we carry when we withhold forgiveness from others. Isn't it just the same if we don't forgive ourselves? So then I got back on my knees and prayed again. I prayed that I would not go to sleep until I had forgiven myself and released everything that I was hanging onto. Let me tell you, when I woke up this morning, I experienced no more pain. For the first time in four years, I did not get a stab of guilt when I thought about it. How amazing!

Forgiveness

About four years ago, I made a mistake that I still regret today. I hurt someone I care about very deeply, and she pushed me away. Since then, I have asked her forgiveness, and she said that she has granted it. I have also prayed to God for His forgiveness, because this mistake was a result of not listening to Him. I still see her at church and she talks to me and jokes with me, even though I still sense a touch of pain on both our parts .

So, when a friend tagged her in a photo on facebook last week, it showed up on my newsfeed. She is apparently new to facebook, and I added her two weeks ago. Well, my request went unanswered. I added her again this week, but once again, she has ignored my request. I know that she has deliberately ignored it because for a while it would say "awaiting friend confirmation" and now it says " add as friend". I think that is a result of ignoring a request.

I know it is just a stupid website, but it speaks volumes to me. It says that she doesn't trust me or want to let me into her life again and it hurts. I know that although we are forgiven we sometimes have to suffer consequences of our sins. I know that things can never be the way that they were between us, but I don't think she is giving me a chance to show her that I am not the same person I was 4 years ago.

I don't know what to do. I don't know whether to talk to her about it or just let it go. I have been praying about it, and I think I feel like I am supposed to say something about it, but I don't know. I don't know yet. All I know is every time I think about it, I get a stab of pain in my chest.

The Power of Prayer -or- No Rain in the Forecast

My young adult Bible study group just finished up the book of James, and it was a great study. I wish we would have gone a little more in depth, but sadly, very few people offered up their interpretations. Will, Jeb, and I did most of the talking, but that's ok. Anyway, something that James said absolutely floored me. Here's what he says:

"The prayer of a righteous man is powerful and effective. Elijah was a man just like us. He prayed earnestly that it would not rain, and it did not rain on the land for three and a half years. Again he prayed, and the heavens gave rain, and the earth produced its crops." (James 5:16-18 NIV)

In these verses, James is referring to 1 Kings 17:1. Ahab has just inherited the kingdom of Israel from his father, Omri. It says that Ahab "did more evil in the eyes of the Lord than any of those before him (1 Kings 16:30). Ahab worshipped and built a temple to Baal, deity over thunder, rain, and dew. Elijah, a man who was introduced in the Bible with no fanfare, challenged him, declaring ""As the Lord, God of Israel, lives, whom I serve, there will be neither dew nor rain in the next few years except at my word. (1 Kings 17:1)" From that moment it did not rain for three and a half years, when the Lord told him to present himself again to Ahab.

Does this punch anyone else in the gut? Does it make you wonder what your prayers could do? Sit back and let that sink in a little bit. Elijah was a man just like us. I think quite often many of us fail to recognize that the people in the Old Testament, and maybe even the New, were just that; they were real people who experienced many of the same emotions and daily trials that we go through. Perhaps his clothes were different and he didn't have a Blackberry to check every five minutes, but Elijah was human. He needed food and water to sustain him. He probably suffered from the occasional cold, and he needed somewhere to relieve himself. Even further, he felt the same emotions that we feel. 3,000 years later, we are the same humans underneath our exteriors. What is amazing about Elijah is that he recognized the true power of the Lord. He knew that God would grant the desires of his earnest prayers. Elijah even raised the dead through his prayers. He prayed earnestly for the life of the son of the Widow of Zarephath, and God brought the boy back to life.

How often do we doubt the power of prayer? Do we believe if we pray for no rain that it will actually cease? Are our prayers any less effective than those of Elijah? Simply, no. All it takes is faith. Faith that God hears our prayers and answers them. Faith that nothing is too large to ask of Him because He is capable of anything. Seek Him in earnest, with no doubt in your hearts, and He will hear your cries.

So, what are your prayers tonight?

Just some random thoughts from this morning

Random thought #1:

I am really beginning to enjoy singing contemporary praise and worship music. This is a new development for me because I used to HATE it, and it was the majority of what my choir would sing at church. I just don't belt very well, and I feel like some of those songs require it. So hopefully, somewhere along the line, I will encounter the opportunity to learn to belt and use my middle register. I have a pretty warm middle register, but if I focus on my top, I lose it. So we'll see what this year brings.

Random thought #2:

I want to learn to play the guitar well.

Random thought #3:

I need to learn to play the piano well.

Random thought #4:

I should probably be focusing more on voice right now so I can manage to pull off a respectable senior recital and graduate.

Random thought #5:

I am procrastinating cleaning, so I had better go do that.

Title Change/ Wickedness

As I was sitting in church this morning, I felt the need to change the title of this blog. Believe me, I am most definitely a hopeless romantic. I love movies where the girl gets the guy in the end, candlelight dinners, and weddings. Romance is very important to me, but there is something that is even more of a priority in my life. The most important thing to me is my journey with Christ. My soul longs and aches to know more about Him and His character. He is my Redeemer, thus this blog is my reflections on my walk with Him.

Lately I have been feeling so unworthy of His love. I feel like I can never bring to Him a clean heart. I have felt Him lay on my heart how much I need to change how I speak and the way I think about people. I am very quick to judge, especially if you cross me. I hate that about myself. I wish that instead of automatically seeing the negative in people I would see Christ in them. My job makes this very hard. I encounter some pretty difficult people in the food industry. There are some people that you just would like to shake and tell them how stupid they are. This is NOT a Christian attitude. I know this, but I am human and this is one of my sins.

I seek to be a graceful woman who is gentle and kind. I want to treat people as Christ would treat them. I want people to see the Christ in me and recognize that it is Him I serve. This is my prayer to God, that I may become more like Him.