Random Thoughts #2

Some random thoughts:

1) I don't do anything but practice choir/Same Diff music. I don't listen to any music but choir/Same Diff songs.

2) I haven't even found the pieces Dr. Koehler wants me to learn this semester. Should probably get on that.

3)I am never drinking again. Period. Funny how since I've been trying to follow Christ, I have been drinking more than when I wasn't. Nicht so gut.

4) Even though I am going to see two of my favorite operas this month, I am terrified to see them. I am terrified that I will end up bitter with God because I might fall back in love with opera when I see them.

5)I ate half a pumpkin "soup" today. So much for trying to not gain anymore weight.

6)I love the fall weather. I love when it gets dark/overcast/chilly/windy/rainy outside. It suits my temperment really well. I should probably be careful that it doesn't let me slip into depression.

7) I'm tired of putting on a happy face for everyone. It takes so much energy. I'm tired of pretending to be happy. I want to laugh at things and I just want to be truly happy. I don't want to have to pretend.

8)I feel like I am at a stalemate with my life. I want to move on to Louisville, but I am also terrifed of leaving Morgantown and its familiarity. I am terrified of leaving the familiarity of my favorite professors, classes, and friends. My parents are trying to push me out of Morgantown, and even God is giving me signs that it is time to leave soon. So why do I want to stay so bad?

9) I could care less about any class but choir and Same Diff right now. I think if it weren't for those ensembles keeping me somewhat sane, I would just stay in bed all day every day.

10) I gave some random Asian girl a ride home from the laundromat today. She was this teeny tiny Asian girl (Chinese, I believe) and she was carrying this huge bag of laundry. So I just asked her if she wanted a ride home. I almost hesitated and let her go, but I think God told me to give her a ride home. She ended up living up this huge hill and I am really glad I didn't let her walk home, especially since it was 11:00 p.m. I am usually too shy to extend kindness though. I am glad that God gave me that push. Her name was Jeannie and she was very sweet. I think I will pray for her tonight.

I am procrastinating Counterpoint. Sigh...

Just some thoughts

**Disclaimer-Serious stream of consciousness ahead. Read only if you're that bored**

I don't know why I have to be such an analytical person to the point that it drives me insane. I am forever analyzing people's faces and responses to things I say or questions I ask. I often go over conversations in my head that happened hours ago to try to determine if I have stepped on someone's toes or to figure out if there was a hidden meaning in that person's word choice. For example, after I walked out of my opera audition, I went straight to Dr. Shannon's office where I proceeded to go full force panic attack/hysteria on her. Thankfully, she went to Falbo for me and gathered my belongings so I wouldn't have to return to the theater in my current state. Later that weekend, I sent her an email just to thank her for her kindness and such. Well, her response to me was "You're welcome, Amanda. You are a special young woman and I know you will get through this." Ok. So anyone else would have thought, Oh that's a nice thing for her to say. But here's what Amanda thought:

Hm. Ok. What does "special" mean? Is it good or bad? What is the connotation of that word? Does she think that I am special in a dear-to-my-heart kind of way, or special in a"special education" kind of way? Does this mean that she thinks I am crazy after breaking down on her? Am I "special" because she thinks I am trying to get attention? Does 'special" imply ambivalence like it does in Italian? Is this endearment or an insult? There are so many things that special could mean and I just don't know which one she means so I am just going to forget she said this.

Literally, I focused on that one word for two days. THAT'S NOT HEALTHY. And that is just one example of something that I do all.the.time. Why do I always assume that someone is trying to smack me? Why do I always think that people think the worst of me? I guess I don't do this over every single person's response; mostly just a few people. It's always the people from whom I seek the most approval. Dr. Shannon is one of them, and there are others. Yet, why do I need that approval? Why am I not satisfied until I know that they think I am smart or that I work hard? Why can't I be satisfied with the fact that I KNOW I work hard and do my part? Why do I need recognition and praise? I am SO bad about that. I always seek praise. If I don't get it, man do I suffer. I always think I am doing everything wrong if I don't hear from them that I am doing them right, which is probably why I couldn't stay in Vocal Performance. I just didn't receive the praise or support that I felt I needed, I guess. Why does my hand have to be held all the time? I sometimes think I am the neediest, suckiest person on the face of this planet. I always need attention, emotional support, and praise. Not good.

I guess the reason I started thinking about this was just from choir today. When she said that no one was singing the phrasing correctly in the part checks, I was crushed. Literally. I truly thought I was doing it and I really just wanted her to hear that I was doing it. Maybe I really wasn't because I was so nervous. Maybe I was more focused on my voice than my phrasing. But damn it I just wanted her to see how focused I am in choir this semester and how much I know my music and that I spend hours listening to it and translating and analyzing the text. Listen to me blow my own horn! How awful! Why am I so damn proud of myself that I need her validation? Sure I don't know everything. I didn't sight-read the madrigal very well today. Sad thing is I shouldn't have been sight-reading it. I should have already practiced it. So see, I am not perfect. I am not the best choir student. I know I'm not. There are plenty of people in there that sight read better than I do and know their music too. But why I do have to hear her say, "Amanda you are doing really well. I am impressed with how much you know this music and can see that you are dedicated to choir"??

Ugh I feel like the world's worst person right now.

What is happening to me? It is not like me to FAIL tests. Really, it isn't, but this week I failed my Studies in Hebrew Scripture test. Truthfully, I just didn't study. I know I should have, but I just shut down under the pressure of this week. I got a C on my Nutrition test and a C in German. That is so not like me. I didn't even get C's in Wilkinson's class. I have never gotten a C in German before. I have never received anything less than a B. This is new for me, and unfortunately, it is going to cost me a good GPA if I don't get my act together and start studying again.

On a brighter note, GREAT voice lesson this week. We are basically starting from the very beginning and by that I mean we are starting with the production of sound. I am not really singing at all in my lesson. I am learning how to make sound and I love it. It is the detailed study I always wanted to have but couldn't because of deadlines in opera scenes and juries/recitals. I am such an analytical person that I have to know how I make every single sound that I make. Dr. Koehler is wonderful because he recognizes that in me. I feel so free!

Struggles

Unfortunately, at this moment in my life, I am struggling to make it through every day. I am constantly looking for the next attack. Where will Satan linger next? God must have a big plan for me if Satan wants to bring me down this bad. He has attacked me in every place of my life. My career, my family, my friends, and my teachers. I have even been physically attacked. Every day is an absolute trial. I don't want to do my homework. I don't want to attend class. I don't want to practice.

The only good part of my day is when I do my devotionals and study God's word. The only, absolute only joy I have is when I remember that Christ died for my sins. It is amazing how God has been guiding me through my readings. For example, (and I know this is going to sound awful, but I am nothing but consistently honest about myself) the other day I was reading in John and every time I read something like "If anyone is thirsty, let him come to me and drink" (John 7:37) or anytime Jesus made a reference to himself as the Christ, I thought, " How do we know that this isn't just some man who thought a lot of himself, just like some of the cult leaders we have seen here in the 20th/21st centuries?" Well, I turned the page and what did I see? The heading "The Claims of Jesus About Himself". Here's what Christ says:

"The Jews answered him, 'Aren't we right in saying that you are a Samaritan and demon-possessed?' 'I am not possessed by a demon,' said Jesus,'but I honor my Father and you dishonor me. I am not seeking glory for myself; but there is one who seeks it, and he is the judge. I tell you the truth, if anyone keeps my word, he will never see death.' "
John 8:48-51

God answered my question right there in those passages! He guided me directly to that Scripture so that I would know that Christ was not in fact coming in glory for himself but for the One who sent him. AWESOME! He has even directed me to Scripture lately that friends have needed to hear. How awesome is He!

I am facing so many hard questions and so many hard conversations right now, but I will gladly bear them if they bring the opportunity to share my faith in Christ to the rest of the world. I want to spread the love, joy, and peace that is Christ Jesus to all of my friends. God has laid so many of them on my heart right now that I literally want to cry just thinking about it. I just want them to know how much I love them and that I want them to know how much Christ transforms their lives if they will only allow him to. Will we continue to suffer? Of course. This world is difficult to endure, Christian or not. So wouldn't you rather have someone to guide you through it and promise that everything will be ok? It really will. In Christ, everything will be ok.

You know, in the wake of all of this major change and what-not, I am really beginning to doubt how much talent as a musician I have anyway. Here's just a few reasons why I should never be a professional musician/opera singer:

1. I am terrible at aural theory.
I was really fortunate that I am a hard worker or I would have failed aural theory. I can't dictate worth a darn. I truly cannot hear intervals or rhythms. I couldn't tell you how many parts are playing/singing or what chord this is. I can't sing you a minor triad or scale. It's embarassing, but true.

2. I can't learn music by rote.
My aural memory is so terrible. I have to see the music to learn it. That's why I don't karaoke. I can never remember how the songs go.

3. I only listen to one singer.
This is more of a reason why I shouldn't be a professional singer. I love opera, but I really only love it when Renee Fleming sings it. I never venture to see or hear other productions or operas unless she is singing. How can one be a professional singer if she doesn't care about the art past a particular artist?


Now, some of you make think I am just being hard on myself, but really, I am just being honest. I try very hard to have the facade that I am a strong musician, but I really don't think I am. I am just trying to face the music (ha).

It is not good for (wo)man to be alone.

"The LORD God said, 'It is not good for the man to be alone."
Genesis 2:18

Two are better than one, because they have a good return for their work:
If one falls down,
his friend can help him up.
but the man who falls
and has no one to pick him up!
Also, if two lie down together, they will keep warm.
But how can one keep warm alone?
Though one may be overpowered,
two can defend themselves.
A cord of three strands is no quickly broken."
Ecclesiastes 4: 9-12

Lord, I wish that I could say that my relationship with you is enough to sustain me. I wish that I could say that I would be content all of my days alone if all I have is you, but I would be dishonest. I would be bold-faced lying, and I just can't do that. Fortunately, you have given your word that we are not meant to be alone. I just wonder when you will send him my way. You have broken me down. You have taken my feelings for the one I thought I would love forever. I feel nothing for him. Nothing. My heart is ready to love someone else, the one you have for me. How long must I wait? My heart breaks in desire for someone to share this journey with. You know my heart. You know who I need. Please bring him into my life.

Life feels better right now, except for this darned pink eye which has now spread to the other eye. Worst.

Despite the illness (which by the way, my anxiety ALWAYS manifests itself as illness), I am actually at peace with the current situation. I am happy to be in German again because ich liebe Deutsch. It's going to take a week to get a feel for learning German again, though, because I haven't had it for a semester. Jumping into class on Tuesday was a challenging yet delightful surprise. Even more challenging, we have a quiz tomorrow and I have no idea what it's on. Oh well, I am sure it will be ok. My new philosophy is to just go with the flow and not worry. Practical Theology for Women points out that Jesus connects worry with having little faith. Remember the apostles and the storm? Enough said.

Interestingly, a minor in Religious Studies is mostly like going to be the product of this switch. Most BA's come out with a minor because of the nature of the degree. You have to take 25 hours of non-major electives so most use those as a chance to take a second focus. It seems as though a minor in Religious Studies will be quite doable and a perfect stepping stone for graduate study at Seminary.

So I have to thank someone and I am going to do it here because want her to read it. I am *so blessed* to have Samantha Bartlow-Lilly in my life (hyphenated for my lack of being able to simply call you Samantha Lilly. weird!). I know that God placed Samantha in my life for the times when He knew I wouldn't be able to see him clearly because through her, I always manage to see Him. He put her in my life to be my spiritual touchstone, my mentor, and one of my best friends. I know she is a gift from Him just through the divine randomness that constitutes our friendship, especially how we met. Since the moment I met her, I have been 100% myself, and I can't say that's entirely true of any other friendship. I generally don't trust people a whole lot, but she has had my complete trust since Day 1. She has endured many of my rants and has seen me through the many "crises" that have been my time at WVU. She has called/texted me almost every day since last Friday just to see that I am doing ok, and she even fasted for me on Tuesday. I truly believe that her calming presence has made a great influence on the peace that I feel about the whole situation right now. Further, I feel like in Samantha God has given me the sister I never had. I just want you to know that I love you so, so much and that you are an absolute blessing in my life. <3

Life lessons learned laboriously (ha)

So, just in case anyone was wondering, when you ask God to break you, He will. He will knock your butt to the floor. He will put you in a mess that only He can clean up. I have seen this happen to not only me, but other friends as well. If you don't want God to show you what he is capable of doing in your life, don't ask. Sometimes it's just not fun.

Also. If you think you have your life planned out, you're probably wrong. Even if you think you have completely planned out a life according to what God wants, you could be wrong. I seriously thought I would be starting seminary this time-ish next year. Wrong. This time next year I will still be an undergraduate at WVU. Would I have EVER planned this for myself? Nein (figured I would practice my German *since I still have to take two more semesters of it*).

I keep asking myself the same question, "How do I do this?" If you know me pretty well, you are probably aware that I am way over WVU and have been for the last year. All I wanted to do this year was to get OUT and now I am here FOR MORE TIME. Man does God have a sense of humor. I don't exactly find it funny, though.

Last night I found myself getting angry with God over this whole ordeal, and I really don't want that to be my reaction to it. I know he has to have a plan. I know this. Something will come out of this and it will be good because God has ordained it. Luckily, He guided me to some Scripture to help me see his plan:

"Therefore, since we have been justified through faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom we have gained access by faith into this grace in which we now stand. And we rejoice in the hope of the glory of God. Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; character, hope. And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us."
Romans 5:1-5