The Tag Line of Every Woman's Soul

"Am I beautiful?"

The concept of beauty is something that I have been struggling with all summer, if not my whole life. Of course, I am not the first person, and certainly not the first woman, to fail to have an awareness of her own beauty. It's just not something that is a natural intuition for me. Gaining glasses in the fourth grade and then adding two years of braces in the fifth grade started a pattern of awkward feelings about myself that has yet to be broken. Fifteen years later, subtract the braces (and sometimes glasses) and add an excess 40 pounds and you'll find the same little girl who never felt she was as beautiful as her classmates.

I constantly think about how I compare to other women around me. I have one friend specifically who is petite, beautiful, naturally fashionable, and of course, bubbly. Sometimes I struggle to be around her because of how much I envy her natural beauty. I look at her, with her tiny frame that almost anything flatters, and then I look at myself, with my frame that very little flatters. I feel like Jabba the Hutt when I stand next to her. However, despite her gifts, I doubt that she is without her own insecurities. I don't discredit them, but I am sure that they are not the same.

I believe it is a woman's natural longing to be beautiful, to be desirable. Every woman wants to know that she is beautiful. God created this essence in women in the image of Himself. Just like God, we long to be praised. However, I will be presumptuous enough to say that God probably doesn't doubt His beauty. The difference is that we are fallen and susceptible to the lies that the world, Satan, and ourselves tell to us. I have read lots of books this summer to try to redirect how I think about myself, including Captivating and Do You Think I'm Beautiful?, the latter having inspired this post. I would really like to be secure in how I feel about myself, because the way I feel now is keeping me from accepting anyone new into my life. I would like to feel like I am a beautiful woman, no matter how I look. I am a creation of God, therefore I am beautiful, right? The answer to that would be yes, if it were not for everything in my being screaming wrong!

It's really my weight that bothers me. I can deal with the curly, gigantic hair. In fact, I like my hair, which is why I have never straightened it permanently. I could deal with having junk in my trunk, if you will. I could cite Jennifer Lopez as my inspiration, but the overall, extra weight is what really bothers me. So you would say, "Quit whining about the weight and just lose it." Ok, that's what I thought too, but I can't. I have a real problem called an addiction. Some people supplement their emotions with alcohol or drugs, but I use food. Even beyond that, I like to eat. I love food, and I have no will-power. I am undisciplined. So here's where you would say, "You can do all things through Christ. He can help you lose that weight." Agreed. I have tried to rely on Christ's strength, but I can't even stay disciplined enough to pray for His strength daily, let alone avoid ice cream. So I continue to fail.

Where does the cycle end? When do I stop hating myself and see that I am beautiful despite my flaws?

.... Anyone know any good Christian weight-loss counselors?