Tonight was the perfect night for romance. We ran out of the pouring rain into a quaint little cafe downtown. The lights were low with soft soul and jazz playing in the background. The hostess sat us at a cozy little table where the warm glow of candlelight danced on our faces, and the waitress returned with two glasses of red wine. Pinot noir and zinfandel. The entire room looked, smelled, and tasted like Paris. La ville d'amour.
It was beautiful, but it wasn't perfect because tonight isn't romantic. It's dinner with my mom. As much as I enjoyed being with my mother, every once in a while I would take a sip of wine, close my eyes, sway to the music, and dream of being here with him. Him, the man I don't know yet.
Thursday, July 30, 2009
A guarded heart is rarley a bad thing
Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life.
-Proverbs 4:23 (NIV)
This summer has been a period of tremendous spiritual growth for me. In just these few short months, God has revealed so much of Himself to me. I have become thirsty for His word and seek to learn something new about His character every day. I am beginning to learn things about myself as well. I have come to recognize just how much I need to rely on God's strength and guidance to make it through daily life. Sometimes I fail to listen closely, but I am hoping to learn how to truly hear Him speak to my heart.
One of the things that has become very apparent to me is the need and desire I have for a strong spiritual leader and husband. My history with men has been filled with hurt, heartache, and disappointment. It just never seems to work out the way I have it all planned. However, through intense soul searching, I have come to understand why that is. I have been choosing whom I date rather than letting God show me the one He has for me. I now know that any man I ever choose for myself will never come close to the one God has for me. Further, the closer I get to Him, the more He shows me what kind of man He wants me to have. I know in my heart that I desire someone who loves Christ more than he loves me. I want someone who will pray with me, study Scripture with me, and put Christ first in every aspect of our family. This is so tremendously important to me that my heart aches and yearns just writing about it.
Having said that, I come to the verse at the top of the page. "Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life." This is a verse that I really have to keep in my mind and heart. My previous relationships with men have damaged my faith and my witness in the past. They have left scars on my heart that only Christ can completely heal. True to the name of this blog, I am a hopeless romantic. I wear my heart out on my sleeve, and in desperation, I tend to settle for men who do not meet the aforementioned criteria. Once they leave me broken, I am filled with anger and resentment toward God for the pain I feel. This is the pattern that I am finally breaking. I will not allow any man to come before my God, and I will not settle for anyone less than the man God created to be my soulmate. I will guard my heart from any temptation that lies before me, and I will seek in earnest the kingdom of God.
Oh, and if by chance God has led a special man to read this post, I hope you like cats. Seriously.
Wednesday, July 29, 2009
The Tag Line of Every Woman's Soul
"Am I beautiful?"
The concept of beauty is something that I have been struggling with all summer, if not my whole life. Of course, I am not the first person, and certainly not the first woman, to fail to have an awareness of her own beauty. It's just not something that is a natural intuition for me. Gaining glasses in the fourth grade and then adding two years of braces in the fifth grade started a pattern of awkward feelings about myself that has yet to be broken. Fifteen years later, subtract the braces (and sometimes glasses) and add an excess 40 pounds and you'll find the same little girl who never felt she was as beautiful as her classmates.
I constantly think about how I compare to other women around me. I have one friend specifically who is petite, beautiful, naturally fashionable, and of course, bubbly. Sometimes I struggle to be around her because of how much I envy her natural beauty. I look at her, with her tiny frame that almost anything flatters, and then I look at myself, with my frame that very little flatters. I feel like Jabba the Hutt when I stand next to her. However, despite her gifts, I doubt that she is without her own insecurities. I don't discredit them, but I am sure that they are not the same.
I believe it is a woman's natural longing to be beautiful, to be desirable. Every woman wants to know that she is beautiful. God created this essence in women in the image of Himself. Just like God, we long to be praised. However, I will be presumptuous enough to say that God probably doesn't doubt His beauty. The difference is that we are fallen and susceptible to the lies that the world, Satan, and ourselves tell to us. I have read lots of books this summer to try to redirect how I think about myself, including Captivating and Do You Think I'm Beautiful?, the latter having inspired this post. I would really like to be secure in how I feel about myself, because the way I feel now is keeping me from accepting anyone new into my life. I would like to feel like I am a beautiful woman, no matter how I look. I am a creation of God, therefore I am beautiful, right? The answer to that would be yes, if it were not for everything in my being screaming wrong!
It's really my weight that bothers me. I can deal with the curly, gigantic hair. In fact, I like my hair, which is why I have never straightened it permanently. I could deal with having junk in my trunk, if you will. I could cite Jennifer Lopez as my inspiration, but the overall, extra weight is what really bothers me. So you would say, "Quit whining about the weight and just lose it." Ok, that's what I thought too, but I can't. I have a real problem called an addiction. Some people supplement their emotions with alcohol or drugs, but I use food. Even beyond that, I like to eat. I love food, and I have no will-power. I am undisciplined. So here's where you would say, "You can do all things through Christ. He can help you lose that weight." Agreed. I have tried to rely on Christ's strength, but I can't even stay disciplined enough to pray for His strength daily, let alone avoid ice cream. So I continue to fail.
Where does the cycle end? When do I stop hating myself and see that I am beautiful despite my flaws?
.... Anyone know any good Christian weight-loss counselors?
The concept of beauty is something that I have been struggling with all summer, if not my whole life. Of course, I am not the first person, and certainly not the first woman, to fail to have an awareness of her own beauty. It's just not something that is a natural intuition for me. Gaining glasses in the fourth grade and then adding two years of braces in the fifth grade started a pattern of awkward feelings about myself that has yet to be broken. Fifteen years later, subtract the braces (and sometimes glasses) and add an excess 40 pounds and you'll find the same little girl who never felt she was as beautiful as her classmates.
I constantly think about how I compare to other women around me. I have one friend specifically who is petite, beautiful, naturally fashionable, and of course, bubbly. Sometimes I struggle to be around her because of how much I envy her natural beauty. I look at her, with her tiny frame that almost anything flatters, and then I look at myself, with my frame that very little flatters. I feel like Jabba the Hutt when I stand next to her. However, despite her gifts, I doubt that she is without her own insecurities. I don't discredit them, but I am sure that they are not the same.
I believe it is a woman's natural longing to be beautiful, to be desirable. Every woman wants to know that she is beautiful. God created this essence in women in the image of Himself. Just like God, we long to be praised. However, I will be presumptuous enough to say that God probably doesn't doubt His beauty. The difference is that we are fallen and susceptible to the lies that the world, Satan, and ourselves tell to us. I have read lots of books this summer to try to redirect how I think about myself, including Captivating and Do You Think I'm Beautiful?, the latter having inspired this post. I would really like to be secure in how I feel about myself, because the way I feel now is keeping me from accepting anyone new into my life. I would like to feel like I am a beautiful woman, no matter how I look. I am a creation of God, therefore I am beautiful, right? The answer to that would be yes, if it were not for everything in my being screaming wrong!
It's really my weight that bothers me. I can deal with the curly, gigantic hair. In fact, I like my hair, which is why I have never straightened it permanently. I could deal with having junk in my trunk, if you will. I could cite Jennifer Lopez as my inspiration, but the overall, extra weight is what really bothers me. So you would say, "Quit whining about the weight and just lose it." Ok, that's what I thought too, but I can't. I have a real problem called an addiction. Some people supplement their emotions with alcohol or drugs, but I use food. Even beyond that, I like to eat. I love food, and I have no will-power. I am undisciplined. So here's where you would say, "You can do all things through Christ. He can help you lose that weight." Agreed. I have tried to rely on Christ's strength, but I can't even stay disciplined enough to pray for His strength daily, let alone avoid ice cream. So I continue to fail.
Where does the cycle end? When do I stop hating myself and see that I am beautiful despite my flaws?
.... Anyone know any good Christian weight-loss counselors?
Words from a Wise Aunt...
"Men can sense when a woman is aware of her biological clock."
Hmm.. maybe having a blog titled "Memoirs of a Hopeless Romantic" makes me a dead-ringer for a ticking clock.
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